New Year's Resolutions.

It is that time of year again when my head swims with hopes for the new year. I have a lot of hopes for 2012 and plenty of goals.

     1. Lose weight - this goal is very important to me. I lost a lot of weight this last year, but it wasn't enough to get me where I want to be. For my height my ideal weight is approximately 150 lbs. I would really like to reach that weight this year and feel pretty good about being able to do so.

     2. Buy a car - I have not had my own car since getting married over 8 years ago. The car that we are currently using is working okay, but I wouldn't consider it to be "reliable." It is very important to me to have reliable transportation of my own. I have never been able to just go visit family and friends because of not having my own car. I home school so it would be nice to take the kids on field trips or trips to visit family. We don't go visiting as is because of my husband's work hours and me not having a car. Plus if we have another baby it is extremely important to me to be able to have reliable transportation for our family (and for me to be able to go somewhere without relying totally on my husband.

     3. Have a third baby - This is something I've wanted for a few years now. I can't afford to wait until I am in my 30's because of my high risk factor. Our finances haven't been good enough and my health hasn't been good enough previously. There have also been some rather serious issues in our marriage that has provided obstacles for having a baby. If I have a good used car and am healthy then this will probably be the best year to have another baby. I figure that if I can manage to lose about 2 lbs a week I will be able to think about getting pregnant in June or July. I have also figured that this would put the birth of the baby after the tax return for next year. The tax return wouldn't cover all the expenses, (a cesarean was in the ball park of $10,000 last I knew) but it would really help. There would still be a lot of preparing that would need to be done, like creating a nursery space. I won't need to be buying too many toys or baby equipment since I didn't use most of that stuff the last two times. Besides the birth costs our only real expenses with a baby would be a new car seat and Dr visits. Diapers depend on whether we go disposable like previously or if we use cloth.

     4. Start designing knitwear - This is something I've been thinking about on and off this past year. I think 2012 would be a good time to get into designing. My ultimate goal would be to create patterns for knitwear that I could sell for a small profit (perhaps to feed my knitting obsession). I have noticed that I have a very hard time finding patterns for wearable clothes that are more on the simple and causal side while still being interesting and stylish. I have also noticed that many patterns I find and love are pretty hard to actually acquire. Every time I find a pattern I love on Ravelry.com it is something that is out of print, requires the purchase of a $15+ book, or isn't even available in this country. I don't hope to ever get published in anything, but it would be cool if I could learn enough about designing patterns to create nice clothing for my family and maybe make enough money to buy some yarn on the side. I'm not sure where I will be able to take this, but I still want to dabble and try my hand at it.

     5. Start dressing nicer - I have not been very fashionably dressed for a long time. After getting married we didn't have the money for clothes, then I had babies and got fat, money issues continued, depression got in the way and I just gave up somewhere along the way. I don't expect to have heaps of cash for going shopping this next year, but I do hope to make more of an effort to dress more modernly. I do many things to keep my depression at bay, including knitting. I hope to be able to knit some nice things to update my wardrobe. I don't mind wearing cheap clothes and really don't care about the brand at all so long as it fits and looks okay. I hope to be able to cheaply acquire a few outfits that I can mix and match and complement my knitted items.

     6. Have more "me" time - Time to myself isn't really something I've had much of. My life is all about being a home educator and mother for my children and being a house wife. I have had very little time to myself since getting married and it is something I am really in need of. I hope to get more chances to take a relaxing bath or go shopping by myself. It would be great if my husband would take the children out of the house so I could take a nap or do something in peace and quiet. Right now the only alone time I get is after the kids go to bed at night, and that just isn't much of a break. I am really hoping that if all goes well and I do get pregnant after June 2012 that I will have time to rest and relax some. I have had hard pregnancies in the past, and my husband has promised to step up more this third time and really help me have time to take care of myself.

     7. Better intimacy in the marriage - As is, I don't really get time with my husband. He works long hours and by the end of the day we are both exhausted. I am not talking about physical intimacy so much as emotional. We don't really talk to each other anymore, and when we do it is about the budget, parenting, or other busy stuff. We don't talk about our marriage or what is emotionally important to us. I hate the distance and would like to make more time to just be together. We were initially drawn together because of how easily we got a long and how easy it was to talk to each other, but that has been lost over the years of stress, conflict, and work load. It would be nice to have some intimacy back again.

There are many things that I hope to improve or change during this next year, but those are the big ones.

This year for weight loss I will try to stick to weight updates on the 1st of every month as well as what I have been doing well or poor on and what I'm doing differently. I did finally decide to order a scale, which arrived today. I weighed myself and was pretty dismayed at the number that came up. I had expected I had gained some weight over the holidays. I thought I was probably around 205-210 because my clothes aren't really fitting any differently. Oh heck no! I weighed in at 219 lbs!!!!!! I am not happy about that as it adds more time to my weight loss and will effect when I can start trying for a baby. This means I will have about 69 lbs to lose or 11.5 lbs each month. It is doable, but doesn't leave me much wiggle room.

I will do my official first weigh in of the year tomorrow. I hope to go over my eating plan some and what I plan to do regarding my diet and how to control bad food choices.

I have been reading in "Good Calories, Bad Calories" again tonight. I needed to give my hands a break from knitting and seeing as how tomorrow is the New Year it seemed appropriate. I am over 50% done with the book and running into very interesting stuff. I just read a section talking about the similarities between fasting and a low-carb diet. They both affect the metabolism the same way. If you are fasting after a couple days the hunger goes away and your body pulls the needed energy from your fat and muscle. If on a low-carb diet your body does the same thing only instead of pulling all the energy from your body it is using what you are eating and there is no hunger just like when fasting. You can go from fasting to eating low carb and suffer no ill effects and your metabolism doesn't suffer. If you are eating 800 calories per day in fat and protein you won't be hungry or tired, but if you add 400 calories of vegetables and fruit (or any carbs) to it so you are eating 1200 calories per day you will become hungry (ravenously so) and tired and experience mood changes. There are some very interesting points made and some very compelling evidence. It agrees with my personal experience, but it is interesting to have it validated through scientific research even if it hasn't been paid any attention in the medical community. I remember how terrible I felt on a low fat/low calorie diet and how much better I felt on a low-carb/high/fat and unrestricted calorie diet.

My latest worries.

I am uneasy right now. I have had a Mirena IUD (also called an IUC) for a little over 5 years. I thought it worked good and I was happy with the light (although sometimes long or random) periods and being able to not worry about remembering to take a pill every day. I think now that having that chunk of plastic inside of me was a huge mistake.

I started doing research online about the removal process for the Mirena. I wanted to know how much pain and bother was involved. I honestly never expected to run across so much negativity surrounding the device. I wasn't really aware of all the side effects before I got the Mirena. My Dr told me it was lower doses of hormones than a pill and that it was highly convenient. The pamphlet I got didn't really say anything about side effects besides that in very rare cases some women have developed PID. No where did I see anything about all the other stuff.

One of the things I am most concerned with is the effect it has on mood. Supposedly (I read about it, but didn't go research it myself) in Canada they recommend women with any history of depression not use Mirena. I never heard anything about this, and I have a history of constant low grade depression that can become dangerous (suicidal) when/if it gets really bad. Several people in my family have a history of depression. If I would have know that was one of the common side effects I never would have used it. I have had unshakable depression this whole time, but never thought it could be because of my birth control. I have also had very common migraines this whole time as well. By common I am talking about an average of 5 days a week, every week, for 5 years. Headaches and migraines are another side effect that seems to affect a lot of women who use the Mirena. The whole thing is scary and worrisome. I have an appointment on the 4th to have it removed.

My husband and I would like to have another child, but there are so many things that need to be done first. First of all I need to lose weight. I nearly died during both previous births, so I would like to be as healthy as possible for next time. We need to get a new vehicle (a very reliable one and so that both of us have transportation), which is what this tax return is supposed to go towards. We want to get the most reliable used vehicle we can for our money (that will hold three children) with the tax return. We would need to get the basement in better order. There is a bedroom down there that we were working (slowly) on converting into a school room, but that may end up as a nursery instead. Then of course we would need to have the money to pay for the pregnancy and delivery.

We were thinking that I would work on losing the weight this year, we would get the car this year, then we would try to get pregnant so the baby would be born after next tax return so we could pay the hospital bills. If we are going to have another baby, I really don't want to wait very long. I don't want to have the increased risks that come with age. If we haven't had another baby by the time I am 30, I will forget about the whole thing because the risks would just be too high for me (seeing as how I am already considered high risk).

I have been thinking about my New Years resolutions. I have thought of a few, but I need to actually make a list. I really hope this is the last time I will be writing "lose weight" on there. Seems like my resolutions are always the same. This year there won't be much of a celebration for New Years. My husband will be working that night, so maybe we will try to celebrate earlier or the next day. We don't usually do much for the holiday, being such homebodies, but this will be the first time he hasn't been home for it. Maybe me and the girls will find something fun to do together.

I am not really looking forward to this week ending. I have been enjoying the Christmas break. The girls are ready to start school again, but I'm not so sure I am. It has been nice to have a break and get to do other things and have time to relax. We have been doing some reading during holiday break. I think my mother is right and I need to just give up on the reading part of school being so analytical. We are not reading the "read alouds" as part of school anymore, but have been reading them before bedtime. I don't look up the questions anymore, but just sit and talk about it with them instead. I guess if we read it apart from school and they don't see me look up the questions, then it is fun and not "boring and horrid school books." I really don't understand them sometimes. They really enjoy working out of workbooks and lesson books, but they don't like listening to me read to them during school. I don't see the difference, but if somehow the books being bedtime stories makes it more fun, than so be it. So long as they are listening and thinking about the stories, I'm happy.

I have written plenty for now. I do need to get to work on my knitting. I will post again once I have made my New Years resolution list and/or decided what to do about buying a scale.

XMAS STRESS!!!

Christmas is so stressful this year. We still don't have out tree decorated, the house needs cleaned, the gifts need wrapped, and I am so far behind in my knitted gifts! I am really pushing myself to get one present completed by Christmas, but I feel horrible that I have 3 other gifts that will not get done on time :( It makes me sad.

On a good note, we were able to get a few nice gifts for our children. We got a Monster High doll and bed set (Clawdeen, the werewolf girl) for our youngest and a Moxie Gilrz horse for the older girl. We also bought them some clothes. From Santa the oldest girl asked for a BFC Ink doll (a pose-able 18" doll). Those dolls are super expensive right now. They regularly sell for $29.99 but they are sold out everywhere but being sold for double price by scalpers (jerks more like it). I was not going to pay $60 for a $30 doll, but I found a doll with similar hair and eyes to my daughter. She is a summer fun type of doll, so she comes with a swim suit and beach stuff. I still only spent about $37 for the doll and an extra outfit for here, so I felt I did okay. My younger daughter wanted another Monster High doll. She doesn't know what we got here for Christmas, but she bought a "Dead Tired" Cleo De Nile doll with her allowance and tooth fairy money recently. She wanted to ask Santa for the "fish girl," and we actually managed to find a Laguna Blue doll at the local Target store (another toy that is sold out almost everywhere, Monster High dolls are really hard to find online right now).

I have nothing for my husband. Every time I think of something I want to get for him he goes and ticks me off. I can't seem to make myself get a gift for him when I feel so angry at him. I was going to get him a set of pens for writing in his journal (so he doesn't steal mine) but I haven't gotten any yet. He did tell me I could buy some yarn, so I guess that is my gift from him. I picked out two colorways of the same chunky yarn. One is a hand painted pink, so it is bright pinks, purples, and berry colors. The other color is also hand painted, but it is a softer pastel yarn with very light blues and lavenders. I am hoping to make two colors of the same outfit. I have my eye on a sweater tunic (I hope to make it a touch longer so it is more dress like) that I want to try to recreate without a pattern but just from looking at the picture. I am excited about it, and hopefully at some point I actually get the time to make them, lol

I keep thinking about getting a scale, but just haven't yet. I am curious what I weigh. My size 14 jeans slide down a bit, but the 12's are still a bit uncomfortable. I will probably gain a couple pounds over Christmas anyway.

I wanted to pick up a bottle of Bailey's as a super special Christmas treat (as in I would only have some at Christmas time and not during the rest of the year). Bailey's is expensive though, so we tried a different brand from Sam's Club. I guess it is okay, but it is no where near as good as Bailey's. It isn't as smooth or creamy textured but has a weird artificial thickness to it that is kinda gross. I love Bailey's in coffee (there is no yummier creamer in my opinion) but this Irish Cream just doesn't taste that good in coffee (which sucks, because that what why I wanted it in the first place). Oh how I wish we wouldn't have tried to save $10 and would have just got the good stuff. I have been considering asking my husband to pick up a bottle of Bailey's but I don't really want to spend the extra money after he bought all that yarn for me and we have been skimping on money to buy gifts for the kids.

Alcohol is a weird thing in our house. I really like to have a drink once in awhile, don't drink to excess, never lose control of myself, and know when I need to stop. But we can't have alcohol in the house because of my husband. He has ZERO self control. He gets drunk quickly, and won't stop drinking even when he is so drunk he is walking into door frames. I know I shouldn't resent him over it, but I do sometimes. It is not hard for me to control myself with alcohol so I don't really understand why he can't. If we buy a bottle of wine for a meal, I have one glass and my husband drinks the rest of it (regardless of whether we had planned to save it for another meal). He doesn't listen to me at all and it's like he doesn't even care about how he looks or how he acts. We have young children, so a drink or two (after they are to bed) then going to bed is fine. Drinking until you can't stand up or speak correctly is absolutely not okay. It seems strange to me that two people who have so much in common can still be opposite in so many other areas. It does feel unfair to me that I can't have a mixed drink once or twice a month because my husband won't bother to control himself. It isn't a huge problem, just annoying.

I sort of went off there...oops! Anyway I should get back to my knitting. I have a lot of knitting to do and little time to do it in, so I'd better get crackin' :)

Scale death, and HFCS rant.

As the title states, my scale is dead. I went to use it recently and one of the leg things was broken clean off. I have no idea how it got broke (and no, I didn't do it in a fit of rage, I just found it that way). I am bummed out about it and relieved at the same time. I have the fear that I've put on about 5 lbs and I wanted to check.

I have been shopping for a new scale, but am not really looking too seriously. It probably isn't good to have a scale and stress out over it every week, but on the other hand it is nice to be able to check when I want to. I have one in my wish list on Amazon.com, but I don't know how I feel about spending $35 and up on a bathroom (albeit nice) scale.

I should just spend the money on healthy food. Stupid convenient carbs have been getting to me. Why is it that all the easy and fast meals are loaded with more carbs than I would like to ingest in a whole week? I am so sick of eggs, bleh :( Meatloaf takes forever, I don't really like cooking bacon, roasts are expensive, and hamburger patties get boring after awhile. I need to put more effort in and make my own frozen meals, but again, that is more work than sounds tolerable at the moment.

Speaking of carbs, there has been a ton of adds endorsing corn syrup lately. I find it insulting and ludicrous honestly. Most everybody acknowledges that HFCSs are horribly bad for people, and is often listed as the number one food additive to avoid. There are two commercials that I've seen and they both say something along the lines of "whether it's from corn or cane, your body can't tell the difference; sugar is sugar." It is an absolute and complete lie.

High Fructose Corn Syrup (or even corn syrup) is not like sugar. Sugar is refined yes, but no matter how hard you squish, squeeze, or smash corn you don't get syrup (or oil as far as that is concerned). Corn syrup is chemically extracted, and High Fructose Corn Syrup is purposefully made to be extra sweet. Regular cane sugar is 50% glucose and 50% fructose, well HFCS is 45% glucose and 55% fructose. Fructose tells your liver to produce fat like nobody's business (that is super simplified, of course) and just that 5% increase will pack on several pounds compared with consumption of regular sugar. It is horrible to think that there may be people out there who listen to these adds and are actually convinced what they are saying is true.

The Corn Refiners Association (the people who pay for these adds, naturally) must feel very threatened if they are having to push these adds so badly. Over last weekend ABC Family was running a Harry Potter weekend marathon, during which these adds showed up 1 or 2 times during every commercial break. Sugar is bad enough for people, but corn syrup is even worse. "Sugar is sugar," is about as true as "a calorie is a calorie" because of course eating 400 calories worth of chocolate cake is the same nutritionally as eating 400 calories worth of meats and vegetables...NOT!

I have been wondering if a vacuum food saver would be a good idea or just stupid. I have always heard people being disappointed by vacuumed sealed food savers, but the idea behind it is nice. I much prefer buying meats at Sam's Club because the prices are far better than what I can find at grocery stores, but it is hard going through all the meat before it spoils. It sounds smart to buy a few different meats and freeze them in smaller groups, but how well do those vacuum sealer machines work? Do they protect against freezer burn any better than Ziploc bags? The infomercials say they are awesome of course, but who trusts infomercials? I need to do some research into this and look at reviews on different machines. I also need to look into getting a good set of food storage containers so I can make and freeze meals for when I can't stand actually cooking. I don't mind eating low-carb, but cooking low-carb is a lot of work. My weight requires I do something about this soon, if I actually want to lose anymore weight and not just hang around 205-210 forever. Maybe I will look into getting a vacuum food storage machine for our family for Christmas...because that's what every husband and child wishes for, right ? :D

Anyways, enough ranting and rambling, I need to go knit now.

Here is one of the videos I was referring to.