My latest worries.

I am uneasy right now. I have had a Mirena IUD (also called an IUC) for a little over 5 years. I thought it worked good and I was happy with the light (although sometimes long or random) periods and being able to not worry about remembering to take a pill every day. I think now that having that chunk of plastic inside of me was a huge mistake.

I started doing research online about the removal process for the Mirena. I wanted to know how much pain and bother was involved. I honestly never expected to run across so much negativity surrounding the device. I wasn't really aware of all the side effects before I got the Mirena. My Dr told me it was lower doses of hormones than a pill and that it was highly convenient. The pamphlet I got didn't really say anything about side effects besides that in very rare cases some women have developed PID. No where did I see anything about all the other stuff.

One of the things I am most concerned with is the effect it has on mood. Supposedly (I read about it, but didn't go research it myself) in Canada they recommend women with any history of depression not use Mirena. I never heard anything about this, and I have a history of constant low grade depression that can become dangerous (suicidal) when/if it gets really bad. Several people in my family have a history of depression. If I would have know that was one of the common side effects I never would have used it. I have had unshakable depression this whole time, but never thought it could be because of my birth control. I have also had very common migraines this whole time as well. By common I am talking about an average of 5 days a week, every week, for 5 years. Headaches and migraines are another side effect that seems to affect a lot of women who use the Mirena. The whole thing is scary and worrisome. I have an appointment on the 4th to have it removed.

My husband and I would like to have another child, but there are so many things that need to be done first. First of all I need to lose weight. I nearly died during both previous births, so I would like to be as healthy as possible for next time. We need to get a new vehicle (a very reliable one and so that both of us have transportation), which is what this tax return is supposed to go towards. We want to get the most reliable used vehicle we can for our money (that will hold three children) with the tax return. We would need to get the basement in better order. There is a bedroom down there that we were working (slowly) on converting into a school room, but that may end up as a nursery instead. Then of course we would need to have the money to pay for the pregnancy and delivery.

We were thinking that I would work on losing the weight this year, we would get the car this year, then we would try to get pregnant so the baby would be born after next tax return so we could pay the hospital bills. If we are going to have another baby, I really don't want to wait very long. I don't want to have the increased risks that come with age. If we haven't had another baby by the time I am 30, I will forget about the whole thing because the risks would just be too high for me (seeing as how I am already considered high risk).

I have been thinking about my New Years resolutions. I have thought of a few, but I need to actually make a list. I really hope this is the last time I will be writing "lose weight" on there. Seems like my resolutions are always the same. This year there won't be much of a celebration for New Years. My husband will be working that night, so maybe we will try to celebrate earlier or the next day. We don't usually do much for the holiday, being such homebodies, but this will be the first time he hasn't been home for it. Maybe me and the girls will find something fun to do together.

I am not really looking forward to this week ending. I have been enjoying the Christmas break. The girls are ready to start school again, but I'm not so sure I am. It has been nice to have a break and get to do other things and have time to relax. We have been doing some reading during holiday break. I think my mother is right and I need to just give up on the reading part of school being so analytical. We are not reading the "read alouds" as part of school anymore, but have been reading them before bedtime. I don't look up the questions anymore, but just sit and talk about it with them instead. I guess if we read it apart from school and they don't see me look up the questions, then it is fun and not "boring and horrid school books." I really don't understand them sometimes. They really enjoy working out of workbooks and lesson books, but they don't like listening to me read to them during school. I don't see the difference, but if somehow the books being bedtime stories makes it more fun, than so be it. So long as they are listening and thinking about the stories, I'm happy.

I have written plenty for now. I do need to get to work on my knitting. I will post again once I have made my New Years resolution list and/or decided what to do about buying a scale.

XMAS STRESS!!!

Christmas is so stressful this year. We still don't have out tree decorated, the house needs cleaned, the gifts need wrapped, and I am so far behind in my knitted gifts! I am really pushing myself to get one present completed by Christmas, but I feel horrible that I have 3 other gifts that will not get done on time :( It makes me sad.

On a good note, we were able to get a few nice gifts for our children. We got a Monster High doll and bed set (Clawdeen, the werewolf girl) for our youngest and a Moxie Gilrz horse for the older girl. We also bought them some clothes. From Santa the oldest girl asked for a BFC Ink doll (a pose-able 18" doll). Those dolls are super expensive right now. They regularly sell for $29.99 but they are sold out everywhere but being sold for double price by scalpers (jerks more like it). I was not going to pay $60 for a $30 doll, but I found a doll with similar hair and eyes to my daughter. She is a summer fun type of doll, so she comes with a swim suit and beach stuff. I still only spent about $37 for the doll and an extra outfit for here, so I felt I did okay. My younger daughter wanted another Monster High doll. She doesn't know what we got here for Christmas, but she bought a "Dead Tired" Cleo De Nile doll with her allowance and tooth fairy money recently. She wanted to ask Santa for the "fish girl," and we actually managed to find a Laguna Blue doll at the local Target store (another toy that is sold out almost everywhere, Monster High dolls are really hard to find online right now).

I have nothing for my husband. Every time I think of something I want to get for him he goes and ticks me off. I can't seem to make myself get a gift for him when I feel so angry at him. I was going to get him a set of pens for writing in his journal (so he doesn't steal mine) but I haven't gotten any yet. He did tell me I could buy some yarn, so I guess that is my gift from him. I picked out two colorways of the same chunky yarn. One is a hand painted pink, so it is bright pinks, purples, and berry colors. The other color is also hand painted, but it is a softer pastel yarn with very light blues and lavenders. I am hoping to make two colors of the same outfit. I have my eye on a sweater tunic (I hope to make it a touch longer so it is more dress like) that I want to try to recreate without a pattern but just from looking at the picture. I am excited about it, and hopefully at some point I actually get the time to make them, lol

I keep thinking about getting a scale, but just haven't yet. I am curious what I weigh. My size 14 jeans slide down a bit, but the 12's are still a bit uncomfortable. I will probably gain a couple pounds over Christmas anyway.

I wanted to pick up a bottle of Bailey's as a super special Christmas treat (as in I would only have some at Christmas time and not during the rest of the year). Bailey's is expensive though, so we tried a different brand from Sam's Club. I guess it is okay, but it is no where near as good as Bailey's. It isn't as smooth or creamy textured but has a weird artificial thickness to it that is kinda gross. I love Bailey's in coffee (there is no yummier creamer in my opinion) but this Irish Cream just doesn't taste that good in coffee (which sucks, because that what why I wanted it in the first place). Oh how I wish we wouldn't have tried to save $10 and would have just got the good stuff. I have been considering asking my husband to pick up a bottle of Bailey's but I don't really want to spend the extra money after he bought all that yarn for me and we have been skimping on money to buy gifts for the kids.

Alcohol is a weird thing in our house. I really like to have a drink once in awhile, don't drink to excess, never lose control of myself, and know when I need to stop. But we can't have alcohol in the house because of my husband. He has ZERO self control. He gets drunk quickly, and won't stop drinking even when he is so drunk he is walking into door frames. I know I shouldn't resent him over it, but I do sometimes. It is not hard for me to control myself with alcohol so I don't really understand why he can't. If we buy a bottle of wine for a meal, I have one glass and my husband drinks the rest of it (regardless of whether we had planned to save it for another meal). He doesn't listen to me at all and it's like he doesn't even care about how he looks or how he acts. We have young children, so a drink or two (after they are to bed) then going to bed is fine. Drinking until you can't stand up or speak correctly is absolutely not okay. It seems strange to me that two people who have so much in common can still be opposite in so many other areas. It does feel unfair to me that I can't have a mixed drink once or twice a month because my husband won't bother to control himself. It isn't a huge problem, just annoying.

I sort of went off there...oops! Anyway I should get back to my knitting. I have a lot of knitting to do and little time to do it in, so I'd better get crackin' :)

Scale death, and HFCS rant.

As the title states, my scale is dead. I went to use it recently and one of the leg things was broken clean off. I have no idea how it got broke (and no, I didn't do it in a fit of rage, I just found it that way). I am bummed out about it and relieved at the same time. I have the fear that I've put on about 5 lbs and I wanted to check.

I have been shopping for a new scale, but am not really looking too seriously. It probably isn't good to have a scale and stress out over it every week, but on the other hand it is nice to be able to check when I want to. I have one in my wish list on Amazon.com, but I don't know how I feel about spending $35 and up on a bathroom (albeit nice) scale.

I should just spend the money on healthy food. Stupid convenient carbs have been getting to me. Why is it that all the easy and fast meals are loaded with more carbs than I would like to ingest in a whole week? I am so sick of eggs, bleh :( Meatloaf takes forever, I don't really like cooking bacon, roasts are expensive, and hamburger patties get boring after awhile. I need to put more effort in and make my own frozen meals, but again, that is more work than sounds tolerable at the moment.

Speaking of carbs, there has been a ton of adds endorsing corn syrup lately. I find it insulting and ludicrous honestly. Most everybody acknowledges that HFCSs are horribly bad for people, and is often listed as the number one food additive to avoid. There are two commercials that I've seen and they both say something along the lines of "whether it's from corn or cane, your body can't tell the difference; sugar is sugar." It is an absolute and complete lie.

High Fructose Corn Syrup (or even corn syrup) is not like sugar. Sugar is refined yes, but no matter how hard you squish, squeeze, or smash corn you don't get syrup (or oil as far as that is concerned). Corn syrup is chemically extracted, and High Fructose Corn Syrup is purposefully made to be extra sweet. Regular cane sugar is 50% glucose and 50% fructose, well HFCS is 45% glucose and 55% fructose. Fructose tells your liver to produce fat like nobody's business (that is super simplified, of course) and just that 5% increase will pack on several pounds compared with consumption of regular sugar. It is horrible to think that there may be people out there who listen to these adds and are actually convinced what they are saying is true.

The Corn Refiners Association (the people who pay for these adds, naturally) must feel very threatened if they are having to push these adds so badly. Over last weekend ABC Family was running a Harry Potter weekend marathon, during which these adds showed up 1 or 2 times during every commercial break. Sugar is bad enough for people, but corn syrup is even worse. "Sugar is sugar," is about as true as "a calorie is a calorie" because of course eating 400 calories worth of chocolate cake is the same nutritionally as eating 400 calories worth of meats and vegetables...NOT!

I have been wondering if a vacuum food saver would be a good idea or just stupid. I have always heard people being disappointed by vacuumed sealed food savers, but the idea behind it is nice. I much prefer buying meats at Sam's Club because the prices are far better than what I can find at grocery stores, but it is hard going through all the meat before it spoils. It sounds smart to buy a few different meats and freeze them in smaller groups, but how well do those vacuum sealer machines work? Do they protect against freezer burn any better than Ziploc bags? The infomercials say they are awesome of course, but who trusts infomercials? I need to do some research into this and look at reviews on different machines. I also need to look into getting a good set of food storage containers so I can make and freeze meals for when I can't stand actually cooking. I don't mind eating low-carb, but cooking low-carb is a lot of work. My weight requires I do something about this soon, if I actually want to lose anymore weight and not just hang around 205-210 forever. Maybe I will look into getting a vacuum food storage machine for our family for Christmas...because that's what every husband and child wishes for, right ? :D

Anyways, enough ranting and rambling, I need to go knit now.

Here is one of the videos I was referring to.

What I've been doing lately.

My beauty efforts have stopped, nearly completely. I think it has something to do with the season honestly. I have been in a funk lately which hasn't helped, and it seems to be seasonal depression. It isn't severe or anything, just annoying more than anything.

I have only weighed myself once since last time I posted my weight, and I am staying the same. I am both glad and disappointed that my weight hasn't changed. It would have been great if I had lost weight, but I am honestly very surprised that I didn't gain weight. I have not exactly been perfect with sticking to my diet. I have had zero sugar (because I know how rotten I would feel if I did) but I have had a tiny bit of starchy stuff. My fish soup had a little bit of brown rice in it to bulk it up some, and there have been a couple times I have eaten a slice of bread or a burger with the bun. I haven't been doing that regularly, but way more than I should. I also have not been getting my fat consumption as high as it should be, and have noticed that I haven't been feeling quite as good.

I have not been doing my hair or putting on makeup, haven't really been doing anything special for skin care either. I have been spending nearly all of my free time knitting Christmas gifts for family, and haven't really had the time for much else. Using the derma roller is pretty time consuming, and putting on lotion almost seems like torture when it is so cold. I guess right now I just care more about other things and am not putting much (if any) effort into taking care of myself. I haven't even been shaving my legs more than once every 2-3 weeks. I do still shower however :P

I know that I need to take care of myself, especially since I am getting depressed. I need to be doing fun things and trying to lift my spirits, but dang, that seems like a lot of work most of the time. I will probably hate myself come spring. I have had a fair amount of time to make progress with my skin and hair but my slacking has wasted all that time. First things first I suppose. I need to get a handle on my blue mood first. Getting a few needed improvements done to the house would definitely help with that. I should also maybe try to lose a bit more weight, I know that would make me feel better. Maybe I will take a shower and then paint my nails for a little pick-me-up now. What would really make me feel better would be to buy a new bra, as worn-out bras do nothing but hurt and make me look even more frumpy than usual. Goodness, I can't wait until the tax return. After getting a new-to-us car maybe there will be enough money for a few new things, like bras. I am rambling pretty severely now, gotta stop. Maybe I will force myself to do something positive to blog about.

"Hoofmaker"

My horsey lotion arrived yesterday, hooray! I used it a few times throughout the day after washing my hands and I can already see a difference in the condition of my skin today. My skin is soft enough my 5-year-old daughter told me that my hands feel nice and soft. I am impressed by it so far.

The husband tried the lotion last night and said he liked it. The man is rather picky about these sorts of things, but he stated that it soaked in fast and he liked that. I hope he sticks to using it. Lizard hands aren't so lovely or romantic, lol Last winter he was using Aquaphor lotion and it was so greasy that he had to wear gloves over it. It was sort of weird waking up in the morning next to a man wearing Mickey Mouse gloves.

I give "Hoofmaker" two thumbs up!

I was hoping some of my other Amazon purchases would arrive today, but no such luck. Being shipped via USPS it shouldn't take longer than 3 days after they are shipped for them to get here. Hopefully the rest of my stuff comes tomorrow.

This is sort of beauty related, but I got a good deal on coconut oil from Amazon. There was a sale on a subscribe and save item, so I ended up getting 2 15 ounce tubs of coconut oil for $13.23. I got the Nutiva brand. I really like coconut oil for pan frying vegetables in. It is just cool stuff and a very good alternative to regular vegetable oils that contain soy. I need to experiment using it for hair conditioning, as I believe I used too much previously. I have had better luck using olive oil to deep condition my hair, but you know how olive oil smells... it is sort of yucky to have your hair smell that way.

Some day I need to actually put on some makeup and take a new picture for this blog. The current picture is really annoying me. It used to fit in its allotted space, but now it is too big and is sticking off the side in a horridly un-neat sort of way! I do need to take a more recent picture, as that one is about 25-30 lbs ago.

It is really obnoxious not having many hot things to drink in cool weather. I have tried to drink tea a few times and have just decided that I don't really like tea more than a couple times per year. I used to like hot tea, not sure why I no longer enjoy it. I am getting tired of coffee (been drinking decaf). I really need to break down and just buy some spiced chai tea bags and try to have somewhat healthy chai tea latte that I use my own sweetener and cream in. I have been craving spiced chai latte tea, but it is so expensive to buy the mix and not available in a low carb variety locally. This town is NOT low carb friendly.

I am rambling. I have better things to do, I just need to go do them...sigh, what I wouldn't give for a mug of hot chocolate heaped with marshmallows! Oh well, one more cup of decaf coffee with a little too much cream coming up! Now all that remains is what to watch; Star Trek again or some random anime? I don't remember Next Generations being so funny when I was younger. Guess that answers that. Coffee, Star Trek, and sock knitting... Engage!

Bueaty order from Amazon.

Yep, another amazon order. I found some pretty cool things though. I have been pretty down lately, so part of the purpose of the order is something fun to look forward to, and hey, who doesn't like getting packages in the mail? :)

The only shampoo and conditioner that I seem to like is the "Mane 'N Tail" stuff for horses from Straight Arrow. That sounds so weird that I like horsey shampoo, lol Most shampoos and conditioners I have used over the years haven't really done it for me. After having children my hair got much worse and became quite frizzy and uncontrollable. I strive to not damage my hair, and I trim off the split ends often (individually, I don't trim all my hair more than every 4 months or so, and then just an inch or less). I am careful with my hair, but it is still frizzed and crazy. "Mane 'N Tail" has been the only thing that has made my hair stronger, shinier, less frizzy (still pretty darn frizzy though) and grow faster. Really the only way for me to tame the frizz is to use a flat iron. Using heat on my hair is something I try to avoid, so it isn't something I do very often (special occasions only, same with using a curling iron or blow drier).

I am hopeful that I may have found a product that will help my frizzy hair. It is also "Mane 'N Tail" so I have high hopes for it. It is a leave-in spray that is supposed to strengthen and moisturize hair. Link to product on Amazon.com here. Reviews for the product are very good, so I am hoping for decent results at least.

The second product I ordered is also a "Mane 'N Tail" product, called "Hoofmaker." Doesn't that sound like an awesome product? lol It is basically hook lotion for horses, but has very good reviews for human use as well. It is supposed to be very effective for dry hands (better than bag balm even (I grew up on a ranch, can you tell? lol)) and it is supposed to strengthen nails and make them grow faster.

I am having pretty good success with my nails from using the GNC Hair, Nails, and Skin pills I've been purchasing from Sam's Club. They are much harder now, they aren't peeling or splitting and I've noticed the surface of my nails are a lot smoother and nicer looking. My nails are still breaking however. I believe this is due to them getting too dry. I use a moisturizing undercoat to try to help with this, but it doesn't seem to be enough. I am hoping that the "Hoofmaker" will help with this. I am also hoping it helps my husband's hands. He is a laborer and very rough on his hands. It is common place for his hands to be rough and scaly, and in the winter time they crack and bleed. We have found a couple lotions that are helpful with preventing his hands from splitting as badly, but I am hoping this will prevent them from splitting at all. I am not sure I would know what to do with a husband who didn't have lizard hands, lol Anyways, I hope the whole family uses it, because I ordered a 2 lb tub of the stuff, lol

The third thing I ordered was a nail polish. It is by O.P.I. from the Burlesque collection in the color "Take the Stage." It is a very glamorous rusty orange color that has a foil look to it. It should be perfect for fall and is so pretty looking. I got this just as something fun and pretty. Many of the colors in this collection are very pretty, but I liked this color the best from photos online. I am hoping to buy a couple more in the future. A note about the movie Burlesque: it wasn't that bad of a movie. It sort of had a "Coyote Ugly" vibe to it, but it wasn't nearly as risque as I was expecting. Some of the costumes were fun and the singing was actually quite enjoyable. I liked it enough to watch it twice. It is more of a feel-good type movie than I thought it would be. The only reason I watched it was because I was surprised it was rated PG-13 and not R, and I had been curious about it but assumed it was filled with, you know, burlesque type stuff, lol Cher's songs in it were great, and I really enjoyed Christina Aguilera's songs as well (strange, because I've never been a fan of hers).

The fourth thing I ordered was another bottle of Bio Oil. I am going to try to commit to using the derma roller more. I haven't used it in a few weeks and am not keeping up with it at all. I would really like to actually use it and lessen some of my scars. After I use up this bottle, I may try using Emu oil the next time. I want to try emu oil for hair and skin conditioning anyway, and it is supposed to help skin heal and fade scars. It seems to be fairly similar in price as well.

The last thing I ordered isn't exciting at all. It is a pair of thermal underwear for my husband, lol If they work really well and keep him warmer this winter, it will help me in a sense as maybe I won't have to listen to him complain so much.

I have not been paying attention to my weight at all. I am eating moderate portion sizes and have been avoiding all bread and grains except for flax meal bread, and I limit that to one serving a day. I have stopped eating "treat" type items and have been working on cutting down my consumption of sweeteners and cheeses. I have switched from regular coffee to decaf, seeing as how caffeine can interfere with weight-loss and I drink coffee for the taste only. I have really slowed down on the iced tea since the weather has gotten cooler. I want to hunt down a good spiced chai tea that I can add my own sweetener and cream to. Spiced chai latte is one of my favorite winter-time treats, but it is super high in carbs. I am also a bit loath about not being able to have Baileys Irish cream anymore. I could make my own that would be low carb, but not sure I want to spend a day doing that. Why don't more companies make low-carb alternatives? It seems like gluten-free diets are on the rise, so that helps some, but more low-carb choices would be great.

I wore a crochet sweater a couple days ago. It felt pretty good to put it on and see what a difference it was from when I had made it at the end of April. It fits so much better now, and it is much more flattering looking. I was pretty pleased with how much nicer it looked compared to spring time. Little boosts like that are helpful. Like when I got down into my size 12 jeans, that felt pretty good :)

I suppose I should be done with this and get back to my knitting. I knit to relax and rid myself of stress. Knitting is probably one of the things I feel the most pride over. It is always nice feeling to complete a project and have it look nice. There aren't many things that I do which have any reward to them. Being a mother and wife is pretty darn thankless and often times just plain difficult and frustrating, so it is nice to have something that I actually get a tangible pay off from. I am working on Christmas gifts at the moment. I think I have done a decent job picking out things that people will like. I do hope that when I give people knitted gifts they don't scoff at it or think it is cheap. It actually takes a fair amount of work to complete even small gifts, and yarn certainly isn't free. I like to think that when I spend over 100 hours making a gift for someone that they have some concept of how much effort and time was put into it, just special for them. I nearly have the gift for my brother complete. I am really looking forward to working with another yarn and starting a new project.

One last note (after this I really will stop, I swears it!). I just finished watching season 3 of Merlin on Netflix instant streaming. It was a strange show at first, but now I am hooked and can't wait to start watching season 4. I believe it is airing on BBC currently, but I need to find out if it is on syfy yet, as we actually get that channel. I think I will set the dvr up to record it, if I can find it available anywhere to actually do that. Not so impressed with how the dvr works, I thought it would be better :( Oh well, that's cable for ya! See, I'm done now :) Gonna go watch some Star Trek, knit and drink some warm coffee...life ain't so bad sometimes :D

Weigh in.

Okay, weigh ins are actually depressing me, and I am not keeping up with my updates at all like I wanted to. I won't be updating every week anymore. I will try to update once a month on my weight. I did not lose any weight last week. In fact the scale said I had gained 9 lbs, even though I have went down to a size 12 jean from size 14 and my wrists are noticeably thinner. Weighing myself is just becoming too frustrating to be worth it. I will continue to eat right and lose weight, but I am not going to weigh anymore than once a month for awhile. I am just too stressed out from everyday life, and I really don't need the added stress from an evil scale.

If anything awesome happens I will of course blog about it, but I think less thinking about the weight right now is what I need to do. I have slacked off on the derma roller and stopped using the Bio Oil. Honestly, it is very hard to find time to use the derma roller, and when I do find the time I am generally too stressed out to feel like using it. The Bio Oil is a bit expensive, and remembering to do it is a bit of a hassle right now. There is just too much stress and junk going on to worry about this stuff so much at the moment. Better luck in a couple of months I say. Until next time, Sayonara!