A hand in my guts.

Yup, one of those kinds of days. I feel like there is a hand twisting my guts into knots and trying to rip them out through my lower back. Endo sucks...especially today. The heating pad isn't helping very much, and I don't take pain meds of any kind if it can be helped while breast feeding. I will feel better tomorrow though, since I know what stupid thing I did to make me feel this way.

I am on the Keto diet to control my hormones, weight, inflammation, and overall health. It has been doing okay so far, but I think the stress has really hit me big time. A bunch of things went wrong all at once, and the stress has been quite hard to deal with. Stress is to endo what fire is to gasoline. So despite my being past the worst part of my cycle, I'm having to deal with the endo anyway. It hasn't been severe, except for today. I was having a hard day emotionally yesterday, so my dear spouse brought home pizza, and I ATE IT!!! I knew it would make me feel bad and be in pain, but like an idiot, I ate it anyway! Guess I know now that the price of eating poorly isn't just discomfort but full out pain. It has been a very bad day for me, but I guess I'm cured from wanting pizza now :/

I've had a couple new symptoms pop up here this last month. I now have referred shoulder pain in my right shoulder, and some pretty gnarly pain, weakness, and stiffness in my hands.

During a cesarean section you experience quite unpleasant pain in the right shoulder when the uterus is yanked outside of your body and scraped out. This has happened to me during all 3 of my c-sections and is pretty common. Even though the whole bottom portion of the body is temporarily paralyzed, you feel the referred pain in the shoulder from the yanking and stress on the uterus. When I got sharp stabbing pains in my shoulder that subsided into dull tearing aches, it felt EXACTLY like the referred shoulder pain during a c-section. A couple google searches reveled this to be fairly common among women with endo.

Some people seem to think the right shoulder pain happens if the endo is more advanced, but I don't think that is true. There isn't really any correlation between the amount of endo present and the pain that a woman feels. Some women may have an abdomen full of tissue and scars and hardly have any symptoms or pain. Other women have reported being in extreme pain, yet a laparoscopic surgery revealed rather small amounts of endo tissue. Personally, I think the pain has to do more with where the endo is located, how it is attached, and what is going on on a hormonal level. For example, I have always had a lot of emotional trouble. My teen years were filled with depression, rage, confusion, and lightening quick mood changes (I still go from happy to full-on rage instantly depending where I am in my cycle). I have always had a rather tough menses, but nothing super horrible. I had to use Advil, a heating pad, and lay down for a couple days, but I didn't have the excruciating pain or vomiting that a lot of endo women suffer from. When I had my ectopic pregnancy and the lap surgery to remove it was when I found out I had a gut full of scars and endo. My symptoms did improve quite a lot after the surgery (zero cramping pains the first two cycles), but I didn't have near the amount of pain that one would assume from the amount of endo that I had. My physical pain levels were tolerable, but the emotional side of it wasn't. Endo effects everyone who has it differently.

The shoulder pain was only a bother during the first day. Thankfully it went away and hasn't bothered me again (yet). However the hand issues have been lingering. I think the pain in my hands is due to circulation problems and inflammation. It is pretty severe in the mornings, but it progressively gets better as the day goes by. My husband has been changing the baby's diaper in the morning, because I can't. I can't even manage to do up the snaps on his diapers due to the stiffness, weakness, and pain in my hands and fingers. On particularly bad mornings (like this morning) I can barely move my fingers for the first 20-30 minutes after waking up.

I have not been as strict as I need to be with my diet. I haven't been drinking my herbal tea every day like I should be, and I've allowed my carbs to creep up higher than I should. I don't want to, but I may need to do an egg day to help get myself back on track. It sounds weird, but eating just eggs for a day gets rid of all my bloat and seems to "reset" my body when I'm having issues. Eggs are near perfect keto food (even better if cooked in butter).

Another note about the herbal tea. I've just been drinking the red raspberry leaf tea, as I've not had the money to order more tea. I want to add nettle and dandelion root to my rrl tea as I've read they are good teas for endo and liver health. It seems ironic that I spent all summer hating the dandelions in my yard when I should have been digging them up to make tea, lol

I'm also considering picking up some moringa. People on the internet claim it works miracles for health (endo included), but people on the internet claim all sorts of crazy things ;) I do want to try some, but really don't like the price of the tea bags, not willing to take yet another pill, and am not sure how I would use the powder. Many people put the powder in smoothies, but I don't drink smoothies. I've considered starting with some green smoothies, but I hate the cleanup that comes with it. I would like a Nutribullet for this use, but who has the money for something like that? Not me. I have an old regular bullet blender, but not sure if it could handle making green smoothies or if I'd end up with green "stringies" or "sludgies" instead, lol

On an up note, our situation does seem to be improving a bit. My husband has a job interview soon (with several good jobs he is well qualified for applied to as well) and our washing machine is now fixed! Yay! Not happy to have to fork over the money for a new transmission for it, but at least I'm not scrubbing laundry in the bathtub any more. I hope to be feeling much better once the stress level goes down and I can focus better on healing. There are plenty of women who have successfully suppressed their endo through diet and lifestyle changes, so I should be able to as well.

Another late update.

This blog seems to only get drafts that I never get around to finishing. I have been horrible about posting here! I have been doing better with my knitting blog of late though, so there's some progress.

Things have been kind of crazy here lately. Besides my nearly 5-month-old-baby teething, my washing machine broke, and my husband was let go from his job. Things just never seem to mellow out long enough to get comfortable.

The washing machine breaking has really made everyday life more bothersome. It wouldn't be so bad, but I cloth diaper the baby and have to do at least one load of laundry per day. We've managed to cut back on laundry a lot by only allowing clothes that are really dirty into the hamper (as opposed to clothing that was worn for an hour only (one of my daughters is quite bad about this)).

The crazy thing is that I think hand washing works well for diapers, so long as there are not a whole bunch of them to do. I even went so far as to order the MobileWasher to help make it easier to wash the soiled diapers in the "Homer Bucket" (the orange Home Depot one). My husband is working on the washing machine and feels confident he can get the part and get it fixed. I will feel better having the mobilewasher on hand. My biggest problems with hand washing the diapers are getting all the stains out and rinsing thoroughly enough.

The job situation has been pretty disheartening for my husband. I feel badly for him as he had just got the job, liked the work, and it had okay wages. He may have a job at the previous place, but he really doesn't want to work there again. We are praying he finds something quickly. Preferably he can get into a job that pays fairly and has long-term potential for him. Job stability would be nice for a change.

I had forgotten what it was like to have a teething baby. It isn't fun, that's for sure. My little boy is so cute and so happy, but this teething thing has been rough on him. He is only happy while being lifted in the air, otherwise he is grumpy and obviously uncomfortable. I can't wait for the teeth to break through and have him return to his much happier self.

Weight loss has been non-existent. I have not been doing the best at sticking to my diet, so instead of losing weight I've just been hanging out at around the same number this whole time. I keep dedicating myself to doing better, then something happens to ruin my motivation (like things mentioned above). At least I'm not gaining a whole bunch.

Not much else to write about right now. Hopefully it won't be months before my next post.

Update

So I haven't posted in a while, in a loooong while. I have been incredibly busy with having my baby and all that, but the reason for not posting is the lack of a computer. The on-board graphics card went out on my laptop, so I'm stuck without a working computer. Maybe I'll get the money to remedy that someday, but it won't be anytime soon sadly. That means of course that I'm typing this on my phone : /

The birth, oh the birth. It did not go well. I went overdue. I'm not talking about 40 weeks and 1 day. I truly was post-dates at 42 weeks and 3 days. I'm not sure why, but labor just never kicked in for me. I spent the entire pregnancy preparing and being so excited to birth my baby, then my body failed me at the finish line. I can't even express how disappointed I am. I am 8 weeks postpartum today (yesterday, by the time I post) and it is still very much on my mind. I know this will be a hurdle for me that will be tough to get over. I am sad.

I had a bpp (biophysical profile) a little before 42 weeks, and it revealed I had no fluid left. The midwife thought we should get him born ASAP, so we started natural induction methods. None of it worked. I fought to go into labor for 3 days!! It was exhausting and heartbreaking to watch my son's wonderful home birth slip through my fingers. Finally we tried some different positions trying to see if he would fully engage, and my wimpy contractions caused some scary decels in his heart rate. Apparently his cord was pinched and we needed to get to the hospital. So I ended up with worst-case-scenario #2. #1 would have been the death of my baby, #2 was yet another c-section.

My baby boy was 9lbs 3oz and 21 inches long at birth. He has been my most difficult baby yet, but I've never seen a more adorable baby when he's happy. I am so thankful that he is here. I wasn't able to give him the birth he deserved, but I'm giving it my all to care for him best as I can.

Breast feeding is important to me. I failed with my first as it was incredibly painful and the sores just wouldn't heal (I'm pretty sure I had thrush when I look back). I stopped before I wanted to with my second baby because I confused a nursing strike with weaning. It has been a huge struggle with my son. I had thrush pretty badly with extremely painful sores. I caved and used a nipple shield so I could heal while killing the thrush. Then I got mastitis so bad I couldn't get out of bed or even lift my water glass. I am extremely thankful that nursing is now pain-free. I hope to nurse him for 18-24 months unless he weans before then.

I have been very pleased with my weight. I gained a total of 35lbs during the pregnancy, and I lost all of it by 2 1/2 weeks postpartum. Since then I've lost another 17lbs. I'm following a keto diet and love it. The weight loss is great, and I feel good and have no issues with breast feeding supply (this is something I've heard against low carb diets, even though it really doesn't make sense). I lost a lot of weight at first, then caved and had a couple weeks of bad food (Ben and Jerry, I'm looking at you!). I gained back what I'd lost during that time, but it all came right off with one week of strict keto. Last week I lost 3lbs, pretty good progress I think. My goal is 4lbs per month, which would put me at my ideal weight when the baby is 18 months old (we may consider trying for our 4th baby then).

Yes I hope to have another baby. And yes, I will attempt a vba3c, most likely at home. I have been doing research to improve my odds, but I think that is a complete post in itself. For right now I am focusing on healing emotionally from the c-section, and taking care of my wonderful little boy. The new school year is fast approaching, and I'm not sure how I am going to manage with a new baby! I'm sure it will work out, I just don't see how yet.

That was long and rambly, but at least I finally managed to post, lol

First fluff mail!

I got my first "fluff mail" today! My GMD Indian cotton prefolds came! I ordered the non-chlorine bleached ones for a cleaner look. I was going to get organic or unbleached, but hubby thought white cleaner looking ones would be better. Anything to keep him on board with changing diapers, especially considering he is willing to use prefolds without any fuss. I got a notice that my order was shipped on Tuesday only about an hour after placing. To say the least, I am very happy with the shipping. I also noticed when I opened the box there are 2 free safety pins included! Very cool! I haven't bought any Snappies, so having the pins is nice. I know this is pretty boring, but I am excited, lol

All 24 brand-new, never-been-washed, prefolds!

I skipped the newborn size as they are supposed to fit up to 10 lbs. My girls were born at 37 and 38 weeks, and they averaged 8 1/2 lbs at birth. I am thinking if this little guy has the extra time to cook, he could come out more in the 9+ lb range. I would feel like I wasted money if I bought a bunch of diapers that only fit for a week or two. The plan is to just fold down the back or front as needed until they fit properly. I shouldn't have to buy more prefolds until he is about 6 months old. This order of prefolds cost me $63, including shipping, or roughly $2.62 each. So far between the prefolds and wool yarn, I've spent around $125 on diapers. Wipes will be free (planning on cutting up a couple receiving blankets and an old worn out flannel sheet), but I still need to buy some Snappies, hemp doublers, and a wet bag or two.

My 26 week bump.

Today I am 26 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I have read third trimester starts the 26th, 27th, or 28th week. I figure I'll go with the middle one, so will be in the third trimester here in a few days. I've not posted a belly shot anywhere before, but thought I'd do one here for fun. So here's my baby bump :)

 

Thank you to Ned Bandit for the shirt! It fits great, and isn't as low cut as I thought. :)

Root Beer Float Gum.

My husband picked this up for me earlier. Seriously? What will they come up with next? FYI, kinda mild in flavor, but really tasty nonetheless. :)

My current diet failings.

I've been doing this whole roller coaster thing with my diet; totally not cool, but it is what it is. Hormones and nasty cravings get the better of me, and I fall WAY off the low-carb wagon (I'm talking eating a heaping dinner plate full of tater tots here, not a slice of bread once in a while). I do this streak of horrid eating for about a week and a half, until my weight gain makes me cry one morning. I then go back to eating low-carb for a couple weeks and lose all the bloating and excess that I had gained. I struggle really hard to control myself leading up to my midwife appointment, then cave nearly immediately after. This is a horrible horrible pattern! It shouldn't be so hard to control myself! I am hoping this is because of the hormones, and will go away after the baby is born. If not, I am kinda screwed here : /

I've been on my roller coaster of self-destruction for a few months now, and I totally just caved again today :(  I had been eating excellently for a week now, and got my weight at a stable and healthy point (for me, in this pregnancy). Supper was late today (we were very much out of food, and hubby was out grocery shopping), and I caved when the husband just wanted to get fast food. I managed to keep it from being super horrible, where low-carb is concerned. For me he got a burger from Hardee's, just the burger, no pop or fries though I did eat the bun.

When exactly did Hardee's food become so delicious? I remember their burgers being sub-par at best, and their restaurants being really filthy. Anyway, when getting a burger on low-carb, fat and meat is good, it is the bun and condiments that are a no-no. I had him get a Monster Thickburger for me. Oh my goodness! 2/3 lbs of beef with cheese and bacon! I don't remember the last time I tasted something so incredibly delicious! Those 47 carbs were totally worth it, ha ha, though I'd better not make a habit of it. I won't even list the calories and fat, as it would make a calorie counting, low-fat fanatic, have a heart attack just thinking about it!

We are well stocked on food again, and I'll need to start preparing dishes for the rest of the week. I really hope I can get back on track here and stop these binges on carbs! I think I know what I am going to do next time I feel a binge is inevitable though. I will have another one of those Monster Thickburgers, but ditch the bun and have it on salad making it more in the ballpark of 5-10 carbs (depending on my salad of course, the burger without bun is only 2 carbs!).

As far as decent low-carbing goes, I have been getting a tiny bit more creative. I get most of my recipes from Low-Carb Linda's website and Kent Altena (aka Bowulf) on YouTube (he has a cocktail meatball recipe that looks really good that I have yet to try). I used a recipe from Linda's website for orange pecan muffins using almond flour. They were really good. I experimented a bit and omitted all the orangy stuff and nuts, and added some cinnamon and raisins instead. Topped with cream cheese those muffins were little bits of heaven. I do believe the cream cheese is what really made it ;) I have entirely too many desert recipes set aside for this week : / Being low-carb, that's not totally horrid, but I do need to be cutting back on my use of sweeteners and not binge on almond flour. I have a recipe for stuffed peppers that I think will be great for frozen meals during postpartum. I am stressing about what to freeze for then, but that would be a whole 'nother post!

So besides being wishy-washy on my diet, not much has changed. I have more energy now, so by all means I should have started doing my prenatal yoga. Alas, I'm finding quite a void where my motivation tank ought to be. I got some floor mats for blocking a knitted project, so the floor being too hard isn't a viable excuse anymore either. I know the yoga would really help me, but I kinda hate that it takes 50 minutes and most of it is sitting there making dumb noises and taking an inhuman amount of time to breathe in and out. I would probably feel better after, but that first step is always the hardest (especially when children are watching and laughing at you).

On a last note, the TAXES ARE DONE!!! Hooray! Hopefully in a week or so we will be paying off the midwife and ordering diapers. It will feel great to be all done making payments to the midwife and get those diapers in our possession. Technically, the only things we need for the baby will be car seat and diapers. All the other stuff I want to get would be awesome to have, but are still only wants and not total necessities. I will NOT live without diapers though... lol

He's a boy, he's a boy, HE'S A BOY!!!

My baby boy!

@ 23 weeks & 4 days

Hooray! We are all excited to add a little boy to our family :) Did all the "boy diet" stuff work? Who knows, but either way we feel our prayers were answered (both for a healthy baby first of all, and secondly that the baby be a boy).

My husband hasn't said too much about it, but I can tell he is excited. I asked if he was excited to carry his baby son in his blue Ergo carrier (haven't bought it yet!), and he smiled and said "yeah, I guess" which for my husband is the equivalent of jumping up and down, lol

Both of my daughters are excited. The ultrasound was a fascinating experience for them, and I am counting it as a field trip for school. They asked the tech a bunch of questions, and he was very nice about answering them all. When they found out the baby is a boy they literally did jump up and down and clap, they aren't quite as reserved as their parents yet, lol First thing my oldest said was "Now Daddy doesn't have to be all alone anymore!" They are both happy that Daddy won't be the only boy anymore, but I think the biggest deal for them was seeing the baby's face on the ultrasound. They have both been able to feel the baby move, but getting to see him and know that he is a boy, made it much more real for them.

As far as I go, I am mainly relieved to finally know that my dreams about a baby boy weren't just all crazy wishful thinking after all, lol I would have been happy with a healthy little girl too, but I am happy that I am getting a boy to go along with my girls. I've always wanted both girls and boys (I think that's pretty normal :) and I feel a bit of relief knowing that my husband and I really are capable of having babies of both genders, lol My ideal family was to have two girls close in age, then two boys close in age. I've gotten exactly what I wanted so far, and I feel very blessed for it. I can't wait to buy little boy clothes and diapers, and make a little baby blanket :)

All about baby stuff.

I haven't been very good at blogging these past couple months. This blog was intended for health and beauty related things, but these days I don't feel like there is much beauty related anything in my life! Everything these days is all about the baby.

I do think I've finally figured out what I am going to do regarding nursing clothing. I thought those nursing tanks looked nice, especially for nights. However they don't make them in my size, not that I was all that surprised. Apparently 34K isn't a common enough size to bother making clothing for, not even sleep bras. I did discover a nursing "tank" that will work for me though. It isn't actually a tank because it has no straps. It clips onto a regular nursing bra, so when you unclip the bra the tank comes down with it. It is meant to wear under other shirts, so when you pull them up to nurse you aren't exposing your entire midsection. It is made by a company called "Undercover Mama" and they sell for about $25 on Amazon.com. It is a little pricier than what I would like to spend, but so far looks like my best (maybe only) option for nursing clothing that would work well for me.

So I've found a shirt that I think will work for me, only problem is it MUST be used with a nursing bra. Of course I need bras too. Fortunately years ago I found a website based in the UK that sells quality bras in a huge range of sizes. I've been buying exclusively from Figleaves.com for several years now, and will be buying more bras from them here soon. I had recently bought a nursing bra, only to discover it was too small once I got it. I didn't send it back though, because I literally had no bras that fit right and while it is small it fits better than what I had, plus it was cheap. I need to find a bra that is comfortable enough to wear during the nights is my issue. I am hoping I end up lucky and find a couple that will work well for me. Nursing wasn't successful with my first daughter at all, and I didn't get to my goal of at least one year with my second either. I plan on nursing this baby and making it work no matter what I have to do. Having comfortable support seems like an important part of that goal.

Something I've been spending hours upon hours researching lately besides nursing clothing, is diapers. Each time I decide how I want to cloth diaper, I find something better or something different that I have to consider as well. I do think perhaps I've narrowed it down to my final selections now. Once the baby is older we will use pocket diapers, something I was initially very much against. I hated the idea of diapers that you had to change the whole thing at every diaper change instead of just putting a new absorbent part in the cover. That was until I found out about sunbaby diapers and how cheap they are. I am planning on buying them with 2 bamboo inserts each, and it will only be $7.50 per diaper. I plan on buying a couple other diapers of other brands here and there just to try them, but plan on the bulk of the stash being sunbaby. I will get the ones with 2 bamboo inserts, simply because I can then use them as doublers with prefolds and other diapers.

For newborn diapering, I decided wool soakers were the way to go. I can make a wool soaker for $5, that's pretty cheap. It took me a long time to decide what to use inside the soakers though. Everybody says that fitted diapers are better than prefolds, only fitted diapers are about 10X the price of prefolds...I gotta say, that price turns me off a bit. I've read of people being very successful using prefolds with hemp and/or bamboo doublers/inserts though, so I think I've decided on that route.  I settled on Green Mountain Diaper (affectionately known as GMD) prefolds because of their very high user ratings. They are more expensive that some other brands of prefolds, but are supposed to be softer, more absorbent, and last longer too. With shipping, 24 prefolds will set us back about $63. I decided to go with size small and skip the newborn size altogether. I figure the smalls work from 10-15 lb, which should be fine for this baby. My two girls were both pretty tall, and they were in the mid 8 lb range even with being taken out 2-3 weeks early. If this baby goes until 40-42 weeks, I wouldn't be surprised if birth weight is at or very close to 9 lbs. Worst case scenario would be having to fold the prefold over some for a couple weeks. I will be able to use the prefold later on as well. After the baby outgrows them, I can tri-fold them and use them in inserts in the pocket diapers.

I will probably keep using prefolds and wool for overnight use until the baby is potty trained. Like I said, the wool soakers are really cheap for me to make and knit up pretty fast. The wool soakers are actually "free" right now, because I have a bunch of wool yarn that I can use. The only problem is that it is all the same color, lol It should work great, but I might want one or two in a different color. For only overnight use, I wouldn't need many prefolds either, and they can be used for many things besides just cloth diapering. I don't plan to only use wool during the first couple months either. I plan to buy a couple covers to try out, mainly Flip and Thirsties brand covers. Wool will be what I mainly use though, in fact I've already made two newborn sized soakers :)

I plan to spend around $200 for all my cloth diapering supplies. That is quite a lot to me, and it seems crazy that other people can easily spend $800 or more on cloth diapers. Our goal is to save money and hopefully greatly reduce the number of blowouts and leaks. Of course we will be buying NOTHING for the baby until we get our tax return, which should be around the middle of next month. The idea is to order everything at once, then have a mini "baby party" and open everything and put stuff together (the crib mainly). I thought a little party would be fun for the girls, and they can make a couple crafts for the baby.

We are going a bit of a different approach with this baby. We will be trying something that has been labeled "Attachment Parenting." Basically you make your child so emotionally dependent on you that they can't even comprehend the idea of offending you, lol Okay, not quite. The idea is to build a strong relationship and bond with the child so they feel more secure in their world. You do things like babywear, co-sleep, nurse on demand, use gentle discipline, things like that. It does not mean that you don't discipline the child at all, just that you rely more on reasoning and redirecting instead of punishment methods like time outs. It makes sense to me, and I don't think it would hurt anything to try it.

My husband was a little worried about the co-sleeping. I was a bit too, since he could sleep through an earthquake! We've decided to "side car" a crib. All that means is you take a side off the crib and attach it next to your own bed so the mattresses can't wiggle apart. The main benefit I see in this is that nighttime nursing will be way easier. I like the idea of the baby being right there, but having his/her own space and not actually being in our bed. I think we would have this setup for quite a while actually, probably until 18 months or so. The great thing is that we can just detach it and move it, and presto! toddler bed! lol

As far as babywearing goes, that sounds like the best part to me. I have never been a fan of strollers. With our first we bought one of those "travel systems" that has a huge stroller that the infant seat clips into. We used it maybe twice, and it was a huge pain in the rear end. I don't like strollers. We will probably end up buying 3 baby carriers in total. I want a Moby wrap for the first few months and around the house. I have my sights set on a chocolate brown one with a butterfly on it and the words "Born Free." I am doing a completely unmediated home birth after all, might as well have some little badge saying "I did it, yay for me" lol Obviously if I end up transferring or having interventions/drugs I will buy a different design, ;) I want to get a soft structured carrier for later on and for trips shopping and walks. I have tall babies, so decided to go with a Boba G3 carrier. It has a lot of cool features on it, but the back is higher to stop toddlers from hurting their backs (main reason why I want it). I also want to get the all popular Ergo carrier, mostly for my husband.

For all three carriers we are looking at a price tag of around $260. I wouldn't even consider spending that much if it weren't for a couple points. I don't plan on buying almost any baby gear. Besides the crib, car seat, and carriers, we won't be getting any of the other stuff. No swings, bouncy seats, play mats, nothing like that (maybe a Boppy for tummy time and nursing). We are saving a bunch of money on diapers, and won't be buying formula or special baby food (plan to do "baby lead weaning" and only give baby real food, not that overpriced mush in a jar). Then there is the final thing; we will eventually need two carriers. The plan is to try for a 4th (and final) child once this baby is a little over a year old. I would carry the new baby in the Moby or Boba (unlike the Ergo, it can be used for newborns without having to buy a pricey insert) while my husband would carry the toddler in the Ergo (unless he ends up liking the Boba better, lol). This also factored into our decision to cloth diaper and to go ahead with the GMD prefolds instead of a cheaper brand. Ideally the only things we would need to buy for the fourth baby would be a car seat and some clothes.

So that's what I've been up to, obsessing about getting ready for the baby, lol I had been obsessing about the birth, but looking at baby things is more fun :) I did create a baby registry on Amazon.com. I don't really intend it for people to buy me stuff, but as a way to organize what I need and want to get for the baby from Amazon.

On a last note, my midwife appointment is tomorrow. I will be 23 weeks and 4 days (the 1st of February is the first day of my third trimester!) Even bigger news is that my husband just sent me a text saying he made an ultrasound appointment for tomorrow at 1 in the afternoon! The ultrasound will be to find out the gender only, and instead of setting us back $300 like an anatomy scan, it will only be $75! I say only, but it is actually a strain on our budget right now. I can deal with budget strain to finally find out if baby is a boy or a girl though! Hopefully I'll have a lot of calls to make tomorrow afternoon!

Dreaming of baby.

Yesterday morning I had a dream about the baby. The birth was very easy and obviously not the focus of the dream, the baby was. When the baby came out it was not a newborn baby! The baby looked about 6 months old (ouch! lol) and was completely clean and dry with no cord attached. The baby was even smiling and cooing as it was being birthed, lol Not a very realistic dream, I know. I remember being furious with my husband because he was trying to put a diaper on the baby before I could even see if it was a boy or a girl. It was frustrating having to fight him over it, but I finally got to see that I had a baby boy. As soon as I learned the baby was a boy, my dream ended and I woke up.

I'm not sure if I should put any stock in the dream or not. It could be a sign from God telling my I am having a baby boy (or a very large baby boy, lol), or it could be that I made the baby a boy because that is the gender I am hoping for this time. Either way though, the dream was comforting as the baby was very healthy. I am still a little weirded out by giving birth to a 6 month old baby, even if it was only a dream, lol Personally I am hoping this baby is in the normal range of 7-9 lbs, nothing larger than that please!

This is actually the first time I have dreamed about the baby. With my firstborn, I kept having dreams that she was a kitten, and I would call "here, kitty, kitty!" to have her come to me, lol At least I am making progress and when I dream of this baby he is human. My husband is sure the dream is a sign from God and that this baby is a boy, lol Personally, I am not sure yet, but I do have that "feeling" that the baby is a "he" this time. We'll find out for sure at some point! Not sure yet if I will get the ultrasound the end of December or not, so it could be either nearly 2 months or 6 1/2 months before we find out.

Diapers.

Yup, diapers. I have only ever used disposable diapers on my kids, and was curious about cloth diapering. My husband wasn't only not curious, but adamantly against the idea of cloth diapers. Mostly because of the whole deal with cleaning off poo (I didn't know previously, but you are supposed to flush the poo with disposable diapers as well. In some states it is illegal to throw it in the garbage). Since I was curious I looked into it, and found out that there is a lot to cloth diapering that I wasn't aware of. I didn't realize just how cheaply it could be done, or how convenient cloth diapers are now days, nor was I aware of how friggin' cute they are!

Research is always a dangerous thing for me, lol I ended up being quite interested in trying cloth diapering after watching numerous videos on YouTube and looking at many forum sites and cloth diaper website. It became something that I was almost desperate to at least try. I think my husband was a little freaked out by my interest in it, but after we talked about it some, he is willing to give it a try. He was very interested in how cheaply we could get started, and the camo print diapers are of course very cute, but what got to him the most was the boast that cloth diapers leak and blowout much less often than disposables. Dealing with a blowout diaper is never fun, so eliminating or greatly reducing the number of them would be great.

I am excited that we are going to try cloth diapers for this baby. After embarrassingly long hours of research, I decided that prefolds and covers would be the best and cheapest route. Then I found the SunBaby website, which has super cheap pocket diapers which many moms rave about. With a budget of $200, we could get all the diapers needed from birth to potty training. $200 is about what we would spend on disposables in just 4 months. If I buy less and cheap though, I could get started for $100. I hope to do a mix of prefolds and covers and pocket diapers.

There are lots of fun things involved with cloth diapering. I already have plans of attempting to make my own cloth wipes (me and sewing don't get a long so well, but I want to try making wipes anyway. I figure how badly could I really screw up sewing two pieces of cloth together?). I also want to make baby leggings with super fun stripped sock yarn, and knit up a few wool soakers. That is just the cloth diapering related stuff. I have a whole stack of patterns printed out for knitted baby stuff that I want to make, budget allowing of course.

12 Week Prenatal Appointment.

Yesterday was my first official prenatal appointment with the midwife. I was 12 weeks and 2 days. The appointment went well, seems everything is on track. My blood pressure was excellent, 120/66 and I have gained 8 lbs so far. I actually gained 9 lbs during the first couple weeks, then didn't gain any more after that. So really, I have lost 1 lb in the last two-ish months. She said my fundus was at the right height, and my uterus was the right size (approximate size of a grapefruit). We got to hear the baby's heartbeat, though both my husband and I have mixed feelings over the use of the doppler. Baby's heart beat was 158 bpm. My next appointment is the 26th of November, and I'll be 16 weeks pregnant.

Things have been going about the same for me since last time I posted. I am still having some occasional morning sickness, but ginger tea (decaf) keeps it in check pretty well. I am still tired beyond all reason. Sunday I didn't wake up until 10 am, took a nap at noon and didn't get back up until 5 that evening. I was tired all evening and went to bed at the regular time that night. I just can't sleep enough to get my energy up. Exercising is impossible to get through because I am so fatigued and get short of breath from the smallest amount of activity. I take my prenatal vitamins that are high in iron, and I also eat a pretty high iron diet, so I shouldn't be anemic. I was never this tired with either of my girls, but I also wasn't this hungry, feel movement this early, or have so much lower abdominal pressure either. This pregnancy is so very different than my previous two. Hopefully that means this baby is a boy.

Homeschooling has been really hard with me being so tired all the time. There are days we don't get started until 3 or 4 in the afternoon. Some days we don't get any of our reading done and have to do double the next day. I am thankful for the flexibility of homeschooling. If we had to be on a strict schedule, I don't think I could do it right now. I am also glad that the girls are a bit older and more understanding. I remember my oldest being so confused and hurt that I couldn't really play with her as much or pick her up while I was pregnant with her sister. It is much easier not having to take care of a toddler while pregnant.

My diet has not been as good as I would like it to be. I have slipped up and eaten high carb foods a handful of times. It wasn't that long ago I had a grilled cheese sandwich, not smart for someone who is trying to eat low carb and fighting constipation on a dialy basis.  I suppose all things considered, I am doing a decent job with my diet. I am beginning to hate water with a passion though. Drinking 16 glasses of water a day gets harder to do every day. Flavoring the water isn't helping as much as it used to either. bleh.

8 Weeks and 2 days.

Today I met my midwife for the first time. The consultation went great and I am excited to be working with her. It seems like her approach to prenatal care and birthing was exactly what I was looking for. She doesn't do a ton of tests, is cool with how much or little weight I gain so long as my diet is good (lots of protein, veggies, and fruit), and is easy to talk to. My offical first appointment is on the 29th. I will be 12 weeks (past the danger zone!!) and we may be able to hear the baby's heart beat. I am very excited about working towards an all natural home birth!

Everything has been pretty good with the pregnancy so far. I am not hardly ever sick, just in the mornings when I am really hungry. I still don't have much energy, but I bought a prenatal yoga dvd that I am hoping will help a bit with that. If nothing else, it should help me get a little more flexible before birth.

I finished reading "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth" and am currently reading "Silent Knife" and "Heart and Hands." The first book was quite good and very encouraging towards a natural (unmedicated) home birth. "Silent Knife" is a book about vbacs from the 80's. It is really good and quite enlightening. The statistics are not current, obviously, but the book has some very good information regardless. The "Heart and Hands" book is a book intended for the training of midwifes. It is chock-full of great information, and I am loving how much I am learning from it (not sure it will be helpful knowing how to give someone a pelvic exam though, lol).

My husband and I are huge Doctor Who fans, so hubby bought a Dalek plushy for the baby, lol It is a little clip on one that is about 4 inches tall. When you squeeze it it says a few different things, like "you would make a good Dalek" "Exterminate! Exterminate!" lol It is a bit sad that we think it is so awesome, but hey, that's who we are :)

6 Weeks!

Today is the last day of week 6! It isn't a milestone or anything big, but I am glad to be one more week closer to the 12 week "safe" mark. I have my first prenatal appointment set for the 2nd of October, which will be about 8 1/2 weeks in the pregnancy. I am praying everything is fine and the baby is developing on time.

I have been doing pretty good so far I think. I have only gotten really sick once, and even then I didn't throw up. I feel pretty good except for being very tired and really bloated. My diet has been really challenging. I don't really feel like eating most of time, but when I do I just want bad food. It is kinda hard to eat healthy when all I want is onion rings, lol I am still trying to eat decently though. I allow some crappy food when I really really want it, but I am trying to keep it as a treat and not an every day thing.

Being tired has made my days pretty rough. I get a lot of sleep at night, but am still very tired all day long. Little walks help some, but not for very long. I am getting at around 200% daily value of iron, so I shouldn't be anemic. It seems like I can't really do much about it, besides wait for the second trimester to fix it. It was the worst this week so far, and I am hoping it will let up a little for next week. School has been nearly impossible with how tired I've been. It isn't so fun for my girls when their teacher keeps failing asleep during school, lol Thank goodness we home school, the flexibility has been a life saver.

The bloating has made finding comfortable clothes nearly impossible. I finally got out some of my old maternity clothes to have pants that aren't really uncomfortable. It is kind of embarrassing to be wearing pants with stretchy tops when my baby is only the size of a pea, but at this point I care more about being comfortable than looking nice. I can't wait to be done with the awkward bloated stage and actually look pregnant instead of just really fat. Only a couple more months!

I tried being a part of an online forum for encouragement, but I gave up. After the 20th person posting a picture of their bloated belly at 5 weeks asking if their "baby bump" was big, I couldn't stand it anymore. I know there are some clueless people out there, but seriously, doesn't anybody do any research anymore? At 5 weeks the baby is the size of an apple seed! It isn't going to be causing any kind of bump that early. I thought it was better to just not look at the forum anymore than to become one of those angry pregnant ladies screaming "it's not your baby, you are BLOATED!" Besides, I need all that anger for when we go shopping and people are rudely standing in the middle of the isle talking for ten minutes. Just kidding of course. I've only lashed out once, and that was when I was pregnant with my first baby. Some teenage girl tried to run over me in her car at Walmart. I do believe that was the only time I have swore directly at a person, or seriously wanted to injure someone. Seriously, who doesn't stop for a very pregnant woman in a cross walk?

Speaking of being pregnant and having babies, I should get back to school with my kiddos. They aren't heartbroken to be watching Scooby Doo for a couple minutes, but it isn't exactly educational. We have a few books to read yet, and I need to do that while I can still stay awake.

BFP!!

I planned on posting after taking the pregnancy tests. I didn't think it through all that well though. I guess I was assuming it would be negative. Well, it wasn't! I am just posting now, because I wanted to inform close family before putting it up on the internet.

When I tested at 9DPO, I thought I saw a very very faint line. I honestly couldn't tell if it was a line or if I was just seeing things from staring at it so hard. At 11DPO, I got a definite line. It was still pretty light, but there was no questioning whether it was there or not. When I tested today (one day late) the test line was almost as dark as the control line. I am taking the darkening lines as a good sign.

So far I have had some symptoms, but it has been mostly being tired and brain dead. I imagine the morning sickness will kick in next week or the week after. I have had some cramping, but it feels like normal round ligament pain from stretching (zero blood so far, hooray!). I have been quite emotional as well. Yesterday I actually had tears forming because of "My Little Pony." Who cries during a children's cartoon?! (especially "My Little Pony"). I guess, if it wasn't for little things like that I wouldn't feel pregnant at all.

We are excited and are praying for a healthy baby. It will be really interesting to see if the baby is a boy or a girl and if our swaying worked or not, but mostly we are just praying for the baby to be healthy. I am feeling pretty positive about this pregnancy thus far, as does my husband. He seems confident that we will have a little boy this time, but I don't really have much feeling one way or the other yet.

I haven't changed my eating too much so far. In the past two weeks I have lost about 6 lbs of the 15 I had gained while eating the "boy diet." I am still eating pretty low carb, so no sugars or refined starches. I am still staying away from starchy vegetables and keeping my dairy cut back to just a couple servings per day. I am allowing some berries and am using almond milk to boost my calcium intake some. I am eating pretty close to 2000 calories per day, which seems pretty reasonable to me. I am also trying to eat more fats from coconut and olive oil since I have cut back on my red meat consumption. I am feeling pretty good so far, and hopefully my midwife doesn't have any issues with my diet. I don't really know what to expect from my weight. Being as heavy as I currently am, I will need to gain less than 11 lbs during the entire pregnancy (I would like to keep it the same as it is now honestly). I wouldn't be surprised if I lose some more weight, but I am not willing to eat poorly just to maintain my weight. I firmly believe that the baby and I would be better off if I lost weight while eating plenty of good food, than if I had to stuff my face with nutritionally empty food to maintain my weight. We'll see what the midwife has to say in about a month though.

My due date, using first day of last menstrual day, would be the 11th of May. I will be having my third cesarean section however, and they usually do those 2 weeks before the baby is due. I will probably be having the baby the last week of April or the end of the week before that.

Praying everything goes well, this will be our first spring baby. This is good news, because this means the baby will need fewer clothes and blankets, which will be easier on our budget. Maybe my husband will get an awesome job and money just wont be an issue by then, but really, when does that ever happen in real life? I am thankful that we won't need much for the baby besides a new car seat. We still have our old highchair, the Graco pack n play, blankets, and a few baby toys. Diapers will be the biggest expense besides the car seat (ignoring the obviously outrageous hospital bill of course). Sam's Club is going to come in super handy for buying diapers! I remember Sam's being the best place to buy diapers with the other kids, and now they have those E Values. This month they had $5 off a box of diapers (both Huggies and Pampers brands), so I'm hoping they still offer E Values like that next year.

On a last note, the season premiere of Doctor Who was awesome tonight! I totally did not see the twist at the end coming. My husband wants to go back and watch the episodes of Doctor Who that he missed, so maybe we will watch one before bed tonight. I wouldn't mind watching them again. I wouldn't mind watching the old series, but I'm not sure how to without buying them all on dvd (way too expensive to even consider right now). Netflix only has the movies/specials of the old show and not the regular series.

I probably won't post again for a few days. I hope to relax some tomorrow, then we will be back to school as usual. Hopefully I'll post before next week is over though.

Homemade Mayo is awesome!

I am not done with my antibiotics, but I feel 100% recovered from my recent UTI (still taking the antibiotics of course!). Since I am feeling better and going crazy waiting for AF to show up, I have been --cooking.-- I don't really consider making mayo to be cooking, but whatever, close enough!

I had just got that new food processor, and wanted to put it to the test. I had success shredding cucumber, but bell peppers and lettuce turned to mush (not surprised the lettuce did, but rather weird that the peppers didn't shred well). I haven't sliced anything with it yet, and I haven't --riced-- any cauliflower either. I did try making flax meal in it, but it didn't work very well. I ended up having to transfer the flax seeds to the Ninja and finish it in that. So I still don't have a very good way to mill the flax seeds. I was looking at the Cuisinart mini chopper/grinder online, and it looks like it would work perfectly. It costs around $39 which is $5 more than I paid for the full sized processor. It would be nice to try, but honestly I don't think it would be worth it (even if it is cute and comes in many fun colors!).

I did have pretty good success making mayonnaise in the food processor. I made a double batch, and the blades were having a hard time mixing the few ingredients in the beginning. I had to stop and scrape the eggs back to the blades repeatedly until I added at least 3/4 cup oil. After it was full enough to mix things well, the process went much easier. It whipped up the mayo pretty well and it tasted pretty good. I was a little disappointed it didn't do better in the beginning, but I will keep using it for making mayo anyway. I made a 2nd batch using the ninja for curiosities sake, and it didn't work very well. I think the ninja is actually too fast, and I added the oil a little too quickly. It curdled and I had to start over in a separate bowl to fix it.

Why did I make so much mayonnaise? To make Ranch Dressing of course! You can't find soy-free mayo in the store, and you can't find soy-free ranch either (that we have seen anyway). My husband managed to find ranch mix that was soy and msg free, hooray! Half the package used up 2 cups of mayo and 2 cups of buttermilk, but even so it is less than 2 carbs per serving. It tastes pretty good too. The only problem is that we have 4 cups of ranch in the fridge! lol

The second batch of mayo I made (the one that the Ninja and I butchered) I added a teaspoon of vinegar too. I wanted to add a little more vinegar, but my husband said it was perfect with just one teaspoon. He said that it is between mayo and miracle whip, and he likes it better than either of those. I would say that is a mayo making success! I used extra light olive oil, and the flavor is subtle and nice. It does look strange in the ketchup bottle in the fridge though, lol

Tonight I plan to make some baked goods. We shop at Sam's Club a lot and keep finding things there that are a lot cheaper than at the grocery store. My husband's last find was Boursin. Two tubs were about $1 more than just one tub in the grocery store. Needless to say, he bought some. Between all the cheese spread and the mayo, I need to make crackers and buns tonight! I will make at least a double batch of almond thins. Making crackers is a great thing to do while frustrated or anxious. Smashing those little globs of dough is quite satisfying! I will make at least two batches of flax buns (6 in a batch). My husband also bought hamburger patties and lunch meat at Sam's Club, so we need some bread! Flax and almonds are both things that are recommended for endo, too bad the cheese is against the rules :( I am limiting my dairy consumption for now, and will eliminate it completely if I feel I need to after we have a third baby. For now I am going to enjoy a little cheese here and there :)

Quick update on TTC. I am on CD#21 today, which puts me exactly at one week until AF is expected. I have had a few progesterone symptoms, mostly headaches, and I've been doing good at ignoring them. Today I think I may have felt implantation. Around late morning I felt a sharp stabbing cramp in my lower right abdomen. It didn't last more then five minutes, but was quite painful. I am hoping it was implantation cramping and not my body going haywire. I am a bit concerned that the pain was on the right side of my lower abdomen and not centrally located. Since I had one ectopic, I am pretty scared of having another one. I have noticed that I am especially bloated and uncomfortable today, but don't really think that is related.

I should wait until the 31st to test, but I know I won't last that long. I've already decided to do the first test this Sunday, then every other day after that until I get a positive or AF. A lot of women get really bummed out when testing and getting BFNs, but I like having the date to focus on. I tend to not drive myself so crazy if I know there will be another test soon. Thank goodness I am using cheap tests! I imagine I will stop this frequent testing if we go several months without conceiving, but for now we are trying to stay positive and hopeful that it will happen soon.

Stevia forever!

I use Stevia for drinks and some cooking/baking. I use 19 packets when I make Kool-aid, so we go through it really fast. A box of 50 packets is somewhere around the $5 mark, so the price adds up quick. Also the packets contain dextrose as a filler :/

I ordered a 1 lb tub of organic stevia extract from amazon, and it just came! This stuff is stronger, so 1/32 of a teaspoon is a serving. I will have to experiment and get used to it being stronger. The good thing is that this tub should last us for a really long time.

Gotta start eating more organic, so the sweetener is a good start. On the endo diet I am supposed to avoid a lot of things, including preservatives and additives, but preservatives and additives are in nearly everything in the grocery store. I hate having to pay more for food, but if it helps me stay out of the hospital it will be worth it. It will be a huge adjustment to start eating organic. Organic isn't that popular where I live, so shopping is going to be a little more of a challenge. We will get used to it no doubt, but it may take a few weeks.

Also in my order was a new food processor. My husband melted our last one on the bottom rack of the dishwasher several months ago. This is a cheapie, but had good ratings and is similar to our old one that worked well (was also a cheapie, same brand, but this one is a 10 cup instead of an 8 cup, and was $5 cheaper than the one we had before) We have been doing okay without one, but as our eating changes I keep finding myself needing one. Making riced cauliflower takes forever with a hand grater, cramps my hands, and sometimes accidents happen and chunks of skin end up in the food. Also a food processor will allow us to more easily make almond and flax meal, peanut butter, mayo, and veggies for soups and salads. I have to make my own mayo and sauces because soybean oil is in virtually everything you buy in the store. I will be eating nothing that comes out of a box, and very few things that come out of a can (tomatoes are one of the few tinned items allowed).

I am blogging on my phone, so the pictures will be at the bottom of the post. I just wanted to show the label and the ingredient list. Notice only one ingredient? Awesome huh? Anyway, hubby is home from shopping (hooray for baby spinach! Lol) so I will help him put stuff away. Watching an Office later, funny show!

Expensive jewelry

Doesn't every woman dream of expensive jewelry, at least once in awhile? Well, I for one, am sick and tired of expensive bracelets. Sure the bracelet I just got was far cheaper than the last few, but I could have done without.

I usually like white gold, but I keep going and buying the clear ones with my name printed on them. Yup, I'm talking about hospital bracelets... Bleh. I just got home a couple hours ago and am going to get some sleep soon.

I starting peeing blood around 11 last night (gross I know, and it gets grosser just FYI) and having a really bad urgency to use the bathroom (not to mention the pain). I mentioned it to my husband and he just blew me off. Well it just kept getting worse and I couldn't fall asleep because I was running to the bathroom every 3 minutes. Around 3 or 3:30 in the morning my husband was being all dramatic at me being awake (apparently I was doing this just to be mean to him:/). He freaked out when I let him see how much blood was passing (not to mention rather painful clots). So he insisted on taking me to the E.R.

Honestly, I was relieved it was just a rather bad UTI. I was afraid I had endo inside my bladder or some other horrid problem. Thankfully the infection didn't get to my kidneys yet, and I have meds to take for the next week. I have never had a UTI before, though endo makes you more susceptible to infections so it makes sense I would get one now. Supposedly none of the meds will interfere with TTC or give the baby brain damage. Speaking of TTC, I am 4 dpo today!

I won't be doing much for a few days besides resting up and letting my body heal. I am supposed to be feeling better in 24 hours :/ hopefully I can sleep through most of that.

Anyways, that's all. Just wanted to do a quick update about my new bracelet. I am hoping for no more of those things for 9 months. That would be nice!

How I really feel about Endometriosis.

So I've been talking about TTC a lot lately, and mentioning the endo here and there. I've said a few times how badly I want to get pregnant while I still have a chance, but I haven't really talked that much about how I feel (or maybe I have and it just feels like I haven't, lol who knows).

To be frank, the endo scares the s#@t out of me. I didn't know I had it until recently, but looking back, I've had the symptoms since I first started my period. SEVERE PERIOD PAINS ARE NOT A NORMAL PART OF BEING A WOMAN!!! Okay? Tell all your friends; spread the word. All my life I thought being bed ridden during a period was just the way it was supposed to be. I didn't really think much about it when my sister would vomit from her period being so intense. My mother remarked that childbirth didn't hurt as much as menstral cramps. Why did no doctor ever step up and say "Hey! This kind of pain isn't normal, and you shouldn't be expected to just endure it!" Seems doctors are as clueless as the general populace when it comes to endo; sadly enough.

40% of women with infertility issues are found to have endo. It is estimated that some 20% of women have endo, but 80% of them are undiagnosed! It takes an average of 8 years before becoming diagnosed! 8 stinking years, of this desease ravaging your body, before being found. How seriously crappy is that? (Some studies claim 10%, some claim as high as 25% of women are suffering from endo, but it seems like 20% was the number that came up the most during the research I have done so far, so that is what I am going with.)

The scary thing about endo is that you never know where it is going to grow, how fast it is going to grow, or even how bad it currently is without exploratory surgry. I don't even know how bad I had it, or how much was removed. I was so drugged out of my head at the time that I don't remember much of what went on after my surgery, besides the horrible nightmares I experianced while under the anethesia, of course. At my post-op appointment I was a bit in shock, so didn't ask the questions I should have. I do remember the Dr. saying the surgery took so long because they had to be so careful. When they first went in, they had to seperate my bowels from my stomach wall so they could even fill my stomach cavity with gas. I didn't think about that at the time, but holy crap! My bowels were fused to my stomach wall! No wonder it hurt so bad when ever I got gas... I was also told that my utures was fused to my abdominal wall on the front, my bowels on the top, and my ovary and fallopian tupe on the left. Also the bladder tube (have no idea what that is acutally called, sorry!) was fused to the rest of the nasty mass of organs, which was why it was hurting so bad to empty my bladder. How could I have dismissed all that pain and just figured "oh, well, it is normal to hurt all the time." This is way too TMI, but intercourse was also painful. When ever pressure was put on the left side (unsurprisingly, that is the side that was full of scar tissue), I would have sharp stabbing pains. I thought this was irritation from my IUD, so like a moron I ignored it :/

I either have a really high tolerance for pain, or am just super scared of looking like a total wuss. I remember being in horrible pain during periods ever since I've had periods. I remember laying on my bed after taking as many advil as my mom would let me, wrapped in a blanket with a heating pad. I would be crying because of the pain, and praying to God to take it away, all while thinking to myself "at least I don't have cramps as bad as my sister, at least I am not throwing up." I struggled with the horrid pains of IBS (irritable bowl syndrome, which is a symptom of endo) when I was in highschool. I remember not bothering taking any advil because I knew it wouldn't even touch the pain. I ended up being impacted to the point of throwing up, not being able to do normal everyday stuff from the pain, but still I didn't want to complain.

When I was in the hospital this past May, I struggled with what to tell the nurses when they asked what my pain level was. I remember the nurse leaving my room after I told her my pain was at a 6 or 7. My husband asked why I was crying, and I said that I was really at a 9, but didn't want to overstate my pain. I was ashamed of understating my pain, but more scared of overstating it and that the nurse might think me weak. Looking back, no one in their right mind would have thought me weak. After all, my organs were being ripped on every time I moved, my abdomen was full of scar tissue, my fallopian tube was on the verge of rupturing, and my pain level was so high the max amount of allowed mophine wouldn't even touch it. Even now, I try to laugh off the endo. I haven't told anyone besides my husband just how scared I am of what the future holds for me. As fast as the endo has progressed these past few months, I think it is looking to be a rather painful life for me.

After I get a BFP, I will be switching to low-carb and start modifing it towards the endo diet. I don't really want to limit my dairy/calcium while pregnant, so I will wait until after the baby is born to do that. I will probably start restricting red meat (boo!) and staying away from all foods that are high in sugar and fructose, and foods that are simple starches. The endo diet is really restrictive, but it will be totally worth it if it controls the endo and gets me close to pain free. Not having caffine won't really effect me much, since I will be staying away from that while pregnant anyway.

I will get into the endo diet later on, once I actually start doing it. I have been doing research on it and will continue to do so. I have read one book on it so far, and plan on buying another book in a few months. This is serious scary stuff, and if I can control it through nutrition instead of surgery every year, why wouldn't I? I would gladly give up all sweets, gluten, caffine, dairy, and red meat if it means I don't have to have surgery regularly to control the spread of the endo.

This has been a long post, but it was a good post. I needed to get some of this off of my chest, and I feel better now. I try to not dwell on this whole topic, but it still gets me down downsometimes. At least right now I have the TTC to obsese over, lol

TTC CD#14 update.

Thank goodness I tested with OPKs at midnight last night! This morning both the Wondfo and Clearblue digital tests were negative. I came so close to missing my LH surge. See, obsessive testing can be a good thing, lol

So, you know what that makes today, right? BD like the earth is gonna end! Hubby is drinking a couple cups of coffee 1 hour before, and we are using Pre-Seed, praying a lot, but besides that not much special (position modification, so sperm have to travel as little as possible, but you know, ewww!). The plan is to BD early in the morning (when sperm count is highest!), once in the afternoon, then again in the evening. After today, we will probably not even look at each other for a week or two, lol Also had a stroke of luck with timing. Sperm count is highest after 4 days of abstinence, then slowly goes down until the lowest point at 7 days abstinence. Since I O'd on the predicted day, we hit the nail on the head...so to speak.

I can't really say what I think of the Pre-Seed as of yet. I do think it is misleading that the box kinda makes it sound like it helps you get pregnant :/ That is totally not the case, it is just a lube that is sperm friendly. The reason we are using it is because I don't want to put raw egg white up there for the sperm to swim through... yes, some women actually do that, lol It doesn't have as high of a PH level as egg whites, but seriously, how nasty is that? I do find it amusing that the applicators remind me of what my parents used to worm goats during my childhood, lol My husband was incredibly grossed out when I mentioned this to him, lol As far as a lube goes, it is nothing special, but probably better than the usual cheap stuff you find in the drugstore. I did love that it came with some coupons though. I wouldn't have bought that digital test without the $10 coupon, and it was a serious mood booster to see that smiley face last night! (even it is was sort of creepy).

I am being good and still drinking my nasty green tea (I hope I get used to the taste, since it is good for endo I will probably be drinking it for a very long time). I had a huge bowl of watermelon this morning, and have tater tots in the oven cooking to have with lunch (*puke* I am so sick of potatoes and watermelon!!). I think I will continue with the boy diet through tomorrow, then ease back into low-carb.

I am officially in the TWW, and will do everything in my power to not test like a psycho!  After doing research on progesterone I feel more confident about not misreading symptoms. It is so sucky to have symptoms and feel pregnant, but it is just the corpus luteum (something I didn't know much about until I was in the hospital with the ectopic) jacking up your hormones! At least this month I know better and I will be ignoring any symptoms I have until at least 10 DPO (days past ovulation). I will try to hold off on using an HPT until AF is due, but I think we all know I will cave and test on day 9, 11, and 13. *sigh* I just have no self control when it comes to peeing on sticks, lol

So that's all for the TTC talk for today. I will post about diet and endo here in a while.