Big Fat Negative :(

Obviously I didn't post on Sunday. Sunday was a crazy day, plus my husband was on my computer all evening.

I did test on Sunday, and got a negative :( It is still really early though, so a negative doesn't mean much (besides showing how impatient I am!). I have been experiencing typical pregnancy symptoms, but not anywhere remotely close to regularly. Some days I seem to have all the symptoms, other days I only have one or two. My husband is sure that I am pregnant (and that it is a boy) but I am going crazy. On days when I have a ton of symptoms I am pretty sure I am pregnant, but when I have an "easy" day, I freak out and start worrying that I "was" pregnant and lost it. I think my husband is dismissing the psycho emotional worrying as a symptom of pregnancy (he could be right, though personally I feel like I am just going crazy, lol).

I have been trying very hard to focus on other things, and I am not doing well at it at all. I have made up a few batches of Almond Thins (crackers made with almond flour), and some cheese crackers that taste like cheez-its. I thought the cheese crackers sounded really good, but almost threw up after eating one, lol My husband loves the cheese crackers, and on a not-nauseous day, so do I. The Almond Thins are super good with some Boursin :) In fact we need to buy some more. I was surprised how good the artichoke and spinach flavor was, yum! It is so hard to find full-fat products. I originally wanted the herb flavor, but they only had it in low-fat. This anti-fat dogma is really frustrating for those of us who don't buy into it. It shouldn't be so hard to buy full-fat dairy products.

When ever I see skim milk, I think of my late grandpa. He always refused to drink skim milk, and I am paraphrasing here, but he always used to say something like "you can't fool me, I know you make pigs fat by feeding them skim milk and corn." He also refused to eat at McDonalds because he claimed they peed in the pickles, but that's an entirely different story!

Whether I get a positive or my next cycle, it will be a relief to not wonder anymore. I hate this whole yoyoing between feeling pregnant and not feeling pregnant. I think it is easier to not have any symptoms, then miss the next cycle and just poof, be pregnant. My first time I thought I was sick for a couple weeks, then when I missed my period I took a test and bam! preggers! With my second I thought I was imagining all the symptoms because I recognized them from before, but never expected to conceive the first month trying. The third baby, I sort of knew I was pregnant a couple weeks before my cycle was due. I think I am really questioning this month because last time was so painful because of losing the baby and having the trauma of the whole ordeal with the hospital and the surgery. I am hopeful and really scared at the same time. There really are days that I am 100% sure that I am pregnant, then other days it dips to about 50% sure. I won't lie, if my cycle comes I will be devastated and mad. It would really hurt to have my hopes gotten up for nothing, and it would be frustrating to be having all these discomforts and pains without getting anything good out of it.

It is hard to tell what my husband is thinking or feeling right now. He tends to hold in his feelings and thoughts, so it is hard to tell where he really is. He has expressed interest and desire to have another baby, but there are times he acts indifferent. I am sensitive to the whole issue right now, so that makes it tough. He has so much going on with work that we don't really get the time to talk. At least with our other babies, we had time to talk, even if he wasn't as mature or supportive back then. Hopefully here in a few months his workload will lighten, and we will get more time together. It would be nice to just be able to enjoy the (hopeful) pregnancy and our family with my husband more.

I had gained some weight previously, and I finally have that off now. I am losing pretty slowly, but that's okay. Since we are trying to get pregnant, I don't want to over do it with weight loss. I think a pound to a pound and a half each week is fine, even if it feels slow compared to what I am used to. I am still eating really close to 20 carbs per day, and I am trying to stay close to 2000 calories. If I don't watch it, I can easily eat as low as 1000 calories per day on low carb without even realizing it, so I have to be careful to stay close to 2000 (more for when I have to explain my diet to a dr, I don't really put much stock in the value of calories). I have read that women who low-carb while pregnant don't experience as much morning sickness compared to when they ate high-carb. I feel good about my choices, and I am hoping I don't have to fight with my doctor over it (probably what I am dreading the most as far as dr appointments go).

Here's hoping for a positive test any day now!

Finally, an update!

It has been over two months now since my surgery. I am doing much better with the grieving and think I have made peace. I have accepted that I lost part of my female organs, and it's okay, because I didn't lose all of them. I have accepted what happened with the baby, and am moving on.

Things have been really crazy in my house here this past month, and I can't seem to find the time to blog anymore. We are trying to get our house cleaned up in preparation for some much needed fixing. I have been going through boxes and throwing away and donating a ton of stuff. Even though I work on this for a few hours everyday, I don't feel like much progress is getting done. We are also doing summer school which eats up quite a bit time, and my husband has so much going on we barely get any family time at all. Blogging has just fell by the wayside.

I found out what caused my ectopic pregnancy at my post-op appointment. I have endometriosis. Basically that is when your uterine lining spreads and grows outside your uterus. I had no clue I had it, but looking back I did have most of the symptoms. There is no cure and this is just the kind of thing I have to learn to live with and try to suppress as much as possible. The only way to correct the endo is basically to have surgery and have the tissue removed from where it isn't supposed to be. I have read some women who have it so severe that they have to take hormones that basically put them in menopause and then still have to have removal surgery every year anyway. I have read that a low-carb diet is good for helping to manage it, which is good because that is what I do anyway. I have to be very careful about not letting any soy products in my diet or anything else that contains estrogen, as that makes the endo grow at a faster rate. Worst thing about this is that it is genetic, so most likely my girls will end up with it.

I said in my previous post, way back in June, that I've been thinking about having another baby. I am not so frantic about it now, because I am pretty much done with the grieving process. I do still want to have another baby however. My husband and I decided to go ahead and start trying, even though my weight it not where I want it to be. Pregnancy stops the endo from growing, and breast feeding can help to suppress it some. I am scared of the endo making me infertile, so I do feel a push to have a baby while I can still even get pregnant. It would be nice to have the endo put on hold while pregnant, just so it isn't a constant worry.

The issue with my weight being higher than planned is upsetting, but I think as long as I can control my weight while pregnant, I should be okay. I will have to talk to my OB/GYN about it more to see exactly what she wants me to do as far as weight. I have heard overweight women who have been told to maintain their pre-pregnancy weight, and others who are supposed to gain as close to 15 pounds as is possible.

I will continue doing low-carb the entire pregnancy to more accurately control my weight gain. I know some people are very much against low-carbing or "dieting" while pregnant, but low carb is not a diet, it is a lifestyle choice. When I refer to my diet, I am not talking about a crash diet that is short term, I am talking about the foods that I consume and my way of eating for life. If you say "low-carb" people freak out and treat you like you are beyond stupid for not following the food pyramid. Yet if you don't actually say the words low-carb, and tell someone that you are not eating sugar or highly refined grains, they are impressed with your healthy diet (I have seen this with regular people, AND medical professionals, as have many other low-carbers). People are so clueless about what is actually healthy to consume or what a low-carb diet even is.

My diet will be mostly meat and non-starchy vegetables with some full-fat dairy and occasional (lower sugar, so mostly berries) fruit. I don't plan on exercising like crazy, but I may start walking more or adding in some yoga modified for pregnant women. In previous pregnancies I have had so much trouble with my joints relaxing, that even walking was too painful to do more than was necessary. I hope this next time I don't experience the severe joint paint (I can always hope!).

As far as preparing to get pregnant, I have been doing quite a bit. I added a folic acid supplement to my regular multivitamin immediately after getting home from the hospital. When my husband and I decided to start trying for a baby, I stopped my vitamins and switched to a prenatal with additional calcium pill. I have been taking the prenatals for a little over a full cycle now, so when I do get pregnant my vitamins will already be in my system. I have been being very good with my diet. I haven't been eating any sugar at all and zero grains. I upped my water intake to about 12-15 glasses each day (it is noon as I am typing this, and I've already had 6 glasses of water). I am also only drinking no more than 2-3 cans of diet pop each week, and no coffee.

I am excited about trying for our third baby. I am scared about the delivery of course, as it will be my 4th major surgery on my abdomen. I am trying to focus on all the positives though, and just trust in God for whatever may happen on the operating table. I am also hoping that this doesn't take several months of trying. I have the endo to worry about, so I am hoping to get pregnant as soon as possible.

I am not sure what is going on with this cycle. I track the changes in my body to pinpoint ovulation as well as use ovulation prediction kits. My cycle is always spot on, 29 days total with ovulation happening on cycle day 16. Well last cycle was only 25 days, and this cycle has been wacky. I dismissed it at the time, but now I believe I actually ovulated on cycle day 7 or 8 instead of day 16. As far as I know, this has never happened to me before. I didn't start the ovulation tests until day 10, but it is day 18 right now with no signs of impending ovulation. I had signs of ovulation on my 7th and 8th days, but dismissed them because that is a full week earlier than I usually ovulate. Looking back now though, I am pretty certain that I did ovulate then. I will be doing my pregnancy test this Sunday morning if I think I am having symptoms, otherwise I will wait until my next cycle is supposed to start.

My husband and I have our baby names decided. We have a main name and a backup name for each gender, though we are really hoping for a boy this time around. I think God is probably tired of all the begging for a boy by now, lol

I will post again on Sunday if I get a positive test, if not then I will post once the new cycle starts.