Dreaming of baby.

Yesterday morning I had a dream about the baby. The birth was very easy and obviously not the focus of the dream, the baby was. When the baby came out it was not a newborn baby! The baby looked about 6 months old (ouch! lol) and was completely clean and dry with no cord attached. The baby was even smiling and cooing as it was being birthed, lol Not a very realistic dream, I know. I remember being furious with my husband because he was trying to put a diaper on the baby before I could even see if it was a boy or a girl. It was frustrating having to fight him over it, but I finally got to see that I had a baby boy. As soon as I learned the baby was a boy, my dream ended and I woke up.

I'm not sure if I should put any stock in the dream or not. It could be a sign from God telling my I am having a baby boy (or a very large baby boy, lol), or it could be that I made the baby a boy because that is the gender I am hoping for this time. Either way though, the dream was comforting as the baby was very healthy. I am still a little weirded out by giving birth to a 6 month old baby, even if it was only a dream, lol Personally I am hoping this baby is in the normal range of 7-9 lbs, nothing larger than that please!

This is actually the first time I have dreamed about the baby. With my firstborn, I kept having dreams that she was a kitten, and I would call "here, kitty, kitty!" to have her come to me, lol At least I am making progress and when I dream of this baby he is human. My husband is sure the dream is a sign from God and that this baby is a boy, lol Personally, I am not sure yet, but I do have that "feeling" that the baby is a "he" this time. We'll find out for sure at some point! Not sure yet if I will get the ultrasound the end of December or not, so it could be either nearly 2 months or 6 1/2 months before we find out.

Diapers.

Yup, diapers. I have only ever used disposable diapers on my kids, and was curious about cloth diapering. My husband wasn't only not curious, but adamantly against the idea of cloth diapers. Mostly because of the whole deal with cleaning off poo (I didn't know previously, but you are supposed to flush the poo with disposable diapers as well. In some states it is illegal to throw it in the garbage). Since I was curious I looked into it, and found out that there is a lot to cloth diapering that I wasn't aware of. I didn't realize just how cheaply it could be done, or how convenient cloth diapers are now days, nor was I aware of how friggin' cute they are!

Research is always a dangerous thing for me, lol I ended up being quite interested in trying cloth diapering after watching numerous videos on YouTube and looking at many forum sites and cloth diaper website. It became something that I was almost desperate to at least try. I think my husband was a little freaked out by my interest in it, but after we talked about it some, he is willing to give it a try. He was very interested in how cheaply we could get started, and the camo print diapers are of course very cute, but what got to him the most was the boast that cloth diapers leak and blowout much less often than disposables. Dealing with a blowout diaper is never fun, so eliminating or greatly reducing the number of them would be great.

I am excited that we are going to try cloth diapers for this baby. After embarrassingly long hours of research, I decided that prefolds and covers would be the best and cheapest route. Then I found the SunBaby website, which has super cheap pocket diapers which many moms rave about. With a budget of $200, we could get all the diapers needed from birth to potty training. $200 is about what we would spend on disposables in just 4 months. If I buy less and cheap though, I could get started for $100. I hope to do a mix of prefolds and covers and pocket diapers.

There are lots of fun things involved with cloth diapering. I already have plans of attempting to make my own cloth wipes (me and sewing don't get a long so well, but I want to try making wipes anyway. I figure how badly could I really screw up sewing two pieces of cloth together?). I also want to make baby leggings with super fun stripped sock yarn, and knit up a few wool soakers. That is just the cloth diapering related stuff. I have a whole stack of patterns printed out for knitted baby stuff that I want to make, budget allowing of course.

12 Week Prenatal Appointment.

Yesterday was my first official prenatal appointment with the midwife. I was 12 weeks and 2 days. The appointment went well, seems everything is on track. My blood pressure was excellent, 120/66 and I have gained 8 lbs so far. I actually gained 9 lbs during the first couple weeks, then didn't gain any more after that. So really, I have lost 1 lb in the last two-ish months. She said my fundus was at the right height, and my uterus was the right size (approximate size of a grapefruit). We got to hear the baby's heartbeat, though both my husband and I have mixed feelings over the use of the doppler. Baby's heart beat was 158 bpm. My next appointment is the 26th of November, and I'll be 16 weeks pregnant.

Things have been going about the same for me since last time I posted. I am still having some occasional morning sickness, but ginger tea (decaf) keeps it in check pretty well. I am still tired beyond all reason. Sunday I didn't wake up until 10 am, took a nap at noon and didn't get back up until 5 that evening. I was tired all evening and went to bed at the regular time that night. I just can't sleep enough to get my energy up. Exercising is impossible to get through because I am so fatigued and get short of breath from the smallest amount of activity. I take my prenatal vitamins that are high in iron, and I also eat a pretty high iron diet, so I shouldn't be anemic. I was never this tired with either of my girls, but I also wasn't this hungry, feel movement this early, or have so much lower abdominal pressure either. This pregnancy is so very different than my previous two. Hopefully that means this baby is a boy.

Homeschooling has been really hard with me being so tired all the time. There are days we don't get started until 3 or 4 in the afternoon. Some days we don't get any of our reading done and have to do double the next day. I am thankful for the flexibility of homeschooling. If we had to be on a strict schedule, I don't think I could do it right now. I am also glad that the girls are a bit older and more understanding. I remember my oldest being so confused and hurt that I couldn't really play with her as much or pick her up while I was pregnant with her sister. It is much easier not having to take care of a toddler while pregnant.

My diet has not been as good as I would like it to be. I have slipped up and eaten high carb foods a handful of times. It wasn't that long ago I had a grilled cheese sandwich, not smart for someone who is trying to eat low carb and fighting constipation on a dialy basis.  I suppose all things considered, I am doing a decent job with my diet. I am beginning to hate water with a passion though. Drinking 16 glasses of water a day gets harder to do every day. Flavoring the water isn't helping as much as it used to either. bleh.

8 Weeks and 2 days.

Today I met my midwife for the first time. The consultation went great and I am excited to be working with her. It seems like her approach to prenatal care and birthing was exactly what I was looking for. She doesn't do a ton of tests, is cool with how much or little weight I gain so long as my diet is good (lots of protein, veggies, and fruit), and is easy to talk to. My offical first appointment is on the 29th. I will be 12 weeks (past the danger zone!!) and we may be able to hear the baby's heart beat. I am very excited about working towards an all natural home birth!

Everything has been pretty good with the pregnancy so far. I am not hardly ever sick, just in the mornings when I am really hungry. I still don't have much energy, but I bought a prenatal yoga dvd that I am hoping will help a bit with that. If nothing else, it should help me get a little more flexible before birth.

I finished reading "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth" and am currently reading "Silent Knife" and "Heart and Hands." The first book was quite good and very encouraging towards a natural (unmedicated) home birth. "Silent Knife" is a book about vbacs from the 80's. It is really good and quite enlightening. The statistics are not current, obviously, but the book has some very good information regardless. The "Heart and Hands" book is a book intended for the training of midwifes. It is chock-full of great information, and I am loving how much I am learning from it (not sure it will be helpful knowing how to give someone a pelvic exam though, lol).

My husband and I are huge Doctor Who fans, so hubby bought a Dalek plushy for the baby, lol It is a little clip on one that is about 4 inches tall. When you squeeze it it says a few different things, like "you would make a good Dalek" "Exterminate! Exterminate!" lol It is a bit sad that we think it is so awesome, but hey, that's who we are :)

6 Weeks!

Today is the last day of week 6! It isn't a milestone or anything big, but I am glad to be one more week closer to the 12 week "safe" mark. I have my first prenatal appointment set for the 2nd of October, which will be about 8 1/2 weeks in the pregnancy. I am praying everything is fine and the baby is developing on time.

I have been doing pretty good so far I think. I have only gotten really sick once, and even then I didn't throw up. I feel pretty good except for being very tired and really bloated. My diet has been really challenging. I don't really feel like eating most of time, but when I do I just want bad food. It is kinda hard to eat healthy when all I want is onion rings, lol I am still trying to eat decently though. I allow some crappy food when I really really want it, but I am trying to keep it as a treat and not an every day thing.

Being tired has made my days pretty rough. I get a lot of sleep at night, but am still very tired all day long. Little walks help some, but not for very long. I am getting at around 200% daily value of iron, so I shouldn't be anemic. It seems like I can't really do much about it, besides wait for the second trimester to fix it. It was the worst this week so far, and I am hoping it will let up a little for next week. School has been nearly impossible with how tired I've been. It isn't so fun for my girls when their teacher keeps failing asleep during school, lol Thank goodness we home school, the flexibility has been a life saver.

The bloating has made finding comfortable clothes nearly impossible. I finally got out some of my old maternity clothes to have pants that aren't really uncomfortable. It is kind of embarrassing to be wearing pants with stretchy tops when my baby is only the size of a pea, but at this point I care more about being comfortable than looking nice. I can't wait to be done with the awkward bloated stage and actually look pregnant instead of just really fat. Only a couple more months!

I tried being a part of an online forum for encouragement, but I gave up. After the 20th person posting a picture of their bloated belly at 5 weeks asking if their "baby bump" was big, I couldn't stand it anymore. I know there are some clueless people out there, but seriously, doesn't anybody do any research anymore? At 5 weeks the baby is the size of an apple seed! It isn't going to be causing any kind of bump that early. I thought it was better to just not look at the forum anymore than to become one of those angry pregnant ladies screaming "it's not your baby, you are BLOATED!" Besides, I need all that anger for when we go shopping and people are rudely standing in the middle of the isle talking for ten minutes. Just kidding of course. I've only lashed out once, and that was when I was pregnant with my first baby. Some teenage girl tried to run over me in her car at Walmart. I do believe that was the only time I have swore directly at a person, or seriously wanted to injure someone. Seriously, who doesn't stop for a very pregnant woman in a cross walk?

Speaking of being pregnant and having babies, I should get back to school with my kiddos. They aren't heartbroken to be watching Scooby Doo for a couple minutes, but it isn't exactly educational. We have a few books to read yet, and I need to do that while I can still stay awake.

BFP!!

I planned on posting after taking the pregnancy tests. I didn't think it through all that well though. I guess I was assuming it would be negative. Well, it wasn't! I am just posting now, because I wanted to inform close family before putting it up on the internet.

When I tested at 9DPO, I thought I saw a very very faint line. I honestly couldn't tell if it was a line or if I was just seeing things from staring at it so hard. At 11DPO, I got a definite line. It was still pretty light, but there was no questioning whether it was there or not. When I tested today (one day late) the test line was almost as dark as the control line. I am taking the darkening lines as a good sign.

So far I have had some symptoms, but it has been mostly being tired and brain dead. I imagine the morning sickness will kick in next week or the week after. I have had some cramping, but it feels like normal round ligament pain from stretching (zero blood so far, hooray!). I have been quite emotional as well. Yesterday I actually had tears forming because of "My Little Pony." Who cries during a children's cartoon?! (especially "My Little Pony"). I guess, if it wasn't for little things like that I wouldn't feel pregnant at all.

We are excited and are praying for a healthy baby. It will be really interesting to see if the baby is a boy or a girl and if our swaying worked or not, but mostly we are just praying for the baby to be healthy. I am feeling pretty positive about this pregnancy thus far, as does my husband. He seems confident that we will have a little boy this time, but I don't really have much feeling one way or the other yet.

I haven't changed my eating too much so far. In the past two weeks I have lost about 6 lbs of the 15 I had gained while eating the "boy diet." I am still eating pretty low carb, so no sugars or refined starches. I am still staying away from starchy vegetables and keeping my dairy cut back to just a couple servings per day. I am allowing some berries and am using almond milk to boost my calcium intake some. I am eating pretty close to 2000 calories per day, which seems pretty reasonable to me. I am also trying to eat more fats from coconut and olive oil since I have cut back on my red meat consumption. I am feeling pretty good so far, and hopefully my midwife doesn't have any issues with my diet. I don't really know what to expect from my weight. Being as heavy as I currently am, I will need to gain less than 11 lbs during the entire pregnancy (I would like to keep it the same as it is now honestly). I wouldn't be surprised if I lose some more weight, but I am not willing to eat poorly just to maintain my weight. I firmly believe that the baby and I would be better off if I lost weight while eating plenty of good food, than if I had to stuff my face with nutritionally empty food to maintain my weight. We'll see what the midwife has to say in about a month though.

My due date, using first day of last menstrual day, would be the 11th of May. I will be having my third cesarean section however, and they usually do those 2 weeks before the baby is due. I will probably be having the baby the last week of April or the end of the week before that.

Praying everything goes well, this will be our first spring baby. This is good news, because this means the baby will need fewer clothes and blankets, which will be easier on our budget. Maybe my husband will get an awesome job and money just wont be an issue by then, but really, when does that ever happen in real life? I am thankful that we won't need much for the baby besides a new car seat. We still have our old highchair, the Graco pack n play, blankets, and a few baby toys. Diapers will be the biggest expense besides the car seat (ignoring the obviously outrageous hospital bill of course). Sam's Club is going to come in super handy for buying diapers! I remember Sam's being the best place to buy diapers with the other kids, and now they have those E Values. This month they had $5 off a box of diapers (both Huggies and Pampers brands), so I'm hoping they still offer E Values like that next year.

On a last note, the season premiere of Doctor Who was awesome tonight! I totally did not see the twist at the end coming. My husband wants to go back and watch the episodes of Doctor Who that he missed, so maybe we will watch one before bed tonight. I wouldn't mind watching them again. I wouldn't mind watching the old series, but I'm not sure how to without buying them all on dvd (way too expensive to even consider right now). Netflix only has the movies/specials of the old show and not the regular series.

I probably won't post again for a few days. I hope to relax some tomorrow, then we will be back to school as usual. Hopefully I'll post before next week is over though.

Homemade Mayo is awesome!

I am not done with my antibiotics, but I feel 100% recovered from my recent UTI (still taking the antibiotics of course!). Since I am feeling better and going crazy waiting for AF to show up, I have been --cooking.-- I don't really consider making mayo to be cooking, but whatever, close enough!

I had just got that new food processor, and wanted to put it to the test. I had success shredding cucumber, but bell peppers and lettuce turned to mush (not surprised the lettuce did, but rather weird that the peppers didn't shred well). I haven't sliced anything with it yet, and I haven't --riced-- any cauliflower either. I did try making flax meal in it, but it didn't work very well. I ended up having to transfer the flax seeds to the Ninja and finish it in that. So I still don't have a very good way to mill the flax seeds. I was looking at the Cuisinart mini chopper/grinder online, and it looks like it would work perfectly. It costs around $39 which is $5 more than I paid for the full sized processor. It would be nice to try, but honestly I don't think it would be worth it (even if it is cute and comes in many fun colors!).

I did have pretty good success making mayonnaise in the food processor. I made a double batch, and the blades were having a hard time mixing the few ingredients in the beginning. I had to stop and scrape the eggs back to the blades repeatedly until I added at least 3/4 cup oil. After it was full enough to mix things well, the process went much easier. It whipped up the mayo pretty well and it tasted pretty good. I was a little disappointed it didn't do better in the beginning, but I will keep using it for making mayo anyway. I made a 2nd batch using the ninja for curiosities sake, and it didn't work very well. I think the ninja is actually too fast, and I added the oil a little too quickly. It curdled and I had to start over in a separate bowl to fix it.

Why did I make so much mayonnaise? To make Ranch Dressing of course! You can't find soy-free mayo in the store, and you can't find soy-free ranch either (that we have seen anyway). My husband managed to find ranch mix that was soy and msg free, hooray! Half the package used up 2 cups of mayo and 2 cups of buttermilk, but even so it is less than 2 carbs per serving. It tastes pretty good too. The only problem is that we have 4 cups of ranch in the fridge! lol

The second batch of mayo I made (the one that the Ninja and I butchered) I added a teaspoon of vinegar too. I wanted to add a little more vinegar, but my husband said it was perfect with just one teaspoon. He said that it is between mayo and miracle whip, and he likes it better than either of those. I would say that is a mayo making success! I used extra light olive oil, and the flavor is subtle and nice. It does look strange in the ketchup bottle in the fridge though, lol

Tonight I plan to make some baked goods. We shop at Sam's Club a lot and keep finding things there that are a lot cheaper than at the grocery store. My husband's last find was Boursin. Two tubs were about $1 more than just one tub in the grocery store. Needless to say, he bought some. Between all the cheese spread and the mayo, I need to make crackers and buns tonight! I will make at least a double batch of almond thins. Making crackers is a great thing to do while frustrated or anxious. Smashing those little globs of dough is quite satisfying! I will make at least two batches of flax buns (6 in a batch). My husband also bought hamburger patties and lunch meat at Sam's Club, so we need some bread! Flax and almonds are both things that are recommended for endo, too bad the cheese is against the rules :( I am limiting my dairy consumption for now, and will eliminate it completely if I feel I need to after we have a third baby. For now I am going to enjoy a little cheese here and there :)

Quick update on TTC. I am on CD#21 today, which puts me exactly at one week until AF is expected. I have had a few progesterone symptoms, mostly headaches, and I've been doing good at ignoring them. Today I think I may have felt implantation. Around late morning I felt a sharp stabbing cramp in my lower right abdomen. It didn't last more then five minutes, but was quite painful. I am hoping it was implantation cramping and not my body going haywire. I am a bit concerned that the pain was on the right side of my lower abdomen and not centrally located. Since I had one ectopic, I am pretty scared of having another one. I have noticed that I am especially bloated and uncomfortable today, but don't really think that is related.

I should wait until the 31st to test, but I know I won't last that long. I've already decided to do the first test this Sunday, then every other day after that until I get a positive or AF. A lot of women get really bummed out when testing and getting BFNs, but I like having the date to focus on. I tend to not drive myself so crazy if I know there will be another test soon. Thank goodness I am using cheap tests! I imagine I will stop this frequent testing if we go several months without conceiving, but for now we are trying to stay positive and hopeful that it will happen soon.

Stevia forever!

I use Stevia for drinks and some cooking/baking. I use 19 packets when I make Kool-aid, so we go through it really fast. A box of 50 packets is somewhere around the $5 mark, so the price adds up quick. Also the packets contain dextrose as a filler :/

I ordered a 1 lb tub of organic stevia extract from amazon, and it just came! This stuff is stronger, so 1/32 of a teaspoon is a serving. I will have to experiment and get used to it being stronger. The good thing is that this tub should last us for a really long time.

Gotta start eating more organic, so the sweetener is a good start. On the endo diet I am supposed to avoid a lot of things, including preservatives and additives, but preservatives and additives are in nearly everything in the grocery store. I hate having to pay more for food, but if it helps me stay out of the hospital it will be worth it. It will be a huge adjustment to start eating organic. Organic isn't that popular where I live, so shopping is going to be a little more of a challenge. We will get used to it no doubt, but it may take a few weeks.

Also in my order was a new food processor. My husband melted our last one on the bottom rack of the dishwasher several months ago. This is a cheapie, but had good ratings and is similar to our old one that worked well (was also a cheapie, same brand, but this one is a 10 cup instead of an 8 cup, and was $5 cheaper than the one we had before) We have been doing okay without one, but as our eating changes I keep finding myself needing one. Making riced cauliflower takes forever with a hand grater, cramps my hands, and sometimes accidents happen and chunks of skin end up in the food. Also a food processor will allow us to more easily make almond and flax meal, peanut butter, mayo, and veggies for soups and salads. I have to make my own mayo and sauces because soybean oil is in virtually everything you buy in the store. I will be eating nothing that comes out of a box, and very few things that come out of a can (tomatoes are one of the few tinned items allowed).

I am blogging on my phone, so the pictures will be at the bottom of the post. I just wanted to show the label and the ingredient list. Notice only one ingredient? Awesome huh? Anyway, hubby is home from shopping (hooray for baby spinach! Lol) so I will help him put stuff away. Watching an Office later, funny show!

Expensive jewelry

Doesn't every woman dream of expensive jewelry, at least once in awhile? Well, I for one, am sick and tired of expensive bracelets. Sure the bracelet I just got was far cheaper than the last few, but I could have done without.

I usually like white gold, but I keep going and buying the clear ones with my name printed on them. Yup, I'm talking about hospital bracelets... Bleh. I just got home a couple hours ago and am going to get some sleep soon.

I starting peeing blood around 11 last night (gross I know, and it gets grosser just FYI) and having a really bad urgency to use the bathroom (not to mention the pain). I mentioned it to my husband and he just blew me off. Well it just kept getting worse and I couldn't fall asleep because I was running to the bathroom every 3 minutes. Around 3 or 3:30 in the morning my husband was being all dramatic at me being awake (apparently I was doing this just to be mean to him:/). He freaked out when I let him see how much blood was passing (not to mention rather painful clots). So he insisted on taking me to the E.R.

Honestly, I was relieved it was just a rather bad UTI. I was afraid I had endo inside my bladder or some other horrid problem. Thankfully the infection didn't get to my kidneys yet, and I have meds to take for the next week. I have never had a UTI before, though endo makes you more susceptible to infections so it makes sense I would get one now. Supposedly none of the meds will interfere with TTC or give the baby brain damage. Speaking of TTC, I am 4 dpo today!

I won't be doing much for a few days besides resting up and letting my body heal. I am supposed to be feeling better in 24 hours :/ hopefully I can sleep through most of that.

Anyways, that's all. Just wanted to do a quick update about my new bracelet. I am hoping for no more of those things for 9 months. That would be nice!

How I really feel about Endometriosis.

So I've been talking about TTC a lot lately, and mentioning the endo here and there. I've said a few times how badly I want to get pregnant while I still have a chance, but I haven't really talked that much about how I feel (or maybe I have and it just feels like I haven't, lol who knows).

To be frank, the endo scares the s#@t out of me. I didn't know I had it until recently, but looking back, I've had the symptoms since I first started my period. SEVERE PERIOD PAINS ARE NOT A NORMAL PART OF BEING A WOMAN!!! Okay? Tell all your friends; spread the word. All my life I thought being bed ridden during a period was just the way it was supposed to be. I didn't really think much about it when my sister would vomit from her period being so intense. My mother remarked that childbirth didn't hurt as much as menstral cramps. Why did no doctor ever step up and say "Hey! This kind of pain isn't normal, and you shouldn't be expected to just endure it!" Seems doctors are as clueless as the general populace when it comes to endo; sadly enough.

40% of women with infertility issues are found to have endo. It is estimated that some 20% of women have endo, but 80% of them are undiagnosed! It takes an average of 8 years before becoming diagnosed! 8 stinking years, of this desease ravaging your body, before being found. How seriously crappy is that? (Some studies claim 10%, some claim as high as 25% of women are suffering from endo, but it seems like 20% was the number that came up the most during the research I have done so far, so that is what I am going with.)

The scary thing about endo is that you never know where it is going to grow, how fast it is going to grow, or even how bad it currently is without exploratory surgry. I don't even know how bad I had it, or how much was removed. I was so drugged out of my head at the time that I don't remember much of what went on after my surgery, besides the horrible nightmares I experianced while under the anethesia, of course. At my post-op appointment I was a bit in shock, so didn't ask the questions I should have. I do remember the Dr. saying the surgery took so long because they had to be so careful. When they first went in, they had to seperate my bowels from my stomach wall so they could even fill my stomach cavity with gas. I didn't think about that at the time, but holy crap! My bowels were fused to my stomach wall! No wonder it hurt so bad when ever I got gas... I was also told that my utures was fused to my abdominal wall on the front, my bowels on the top, and my ovary and fallopian tupe on the left. Also the bladder tube (have no idea what that is acutally called, sorry!) was fused to the rest of the nasty mass of organs, which was why it was hurting so bad to empty my bladder. How could I have dismissed all that pain and just figured "oh, well, it is normal to hurt all the time." This is way too TMI, but intercourse was also painful. When ever pressure was put on the left side (unsurprisingly, that is the side that was full of scar tissue), I would have sharp stabbing pains. I thought this was irritation from my IUD, so like a moron I ignored it :/

I either have a really high tolerance for pain, or am just super scared of looking like a total wuss. I remember being in horrible pain during periods ever since I've had periods. I remember laying on my bed after taking as many advil as my mom would let me, wrapped in a blanket with a heating pad. I would be crying because of the pain, and praying to God to take it away, all while thinking to myself "at least I don't have cramps as bad as my sister, at least I am not throwing up." I struggled with the horrid pains of IBS (irritable bowl syndrome, which is a symptom of endo) when I was in highschool. I remember not bothering taking any advil because I knew it wouldn't even touch the pain. I ended up being impacted to the point of throwing up, not being able to do normal everyday stuff from the pain, but still I didn't want to complain.

When I was in the hospital this past May, I struggled with what to tell the nurses when they asked what my pain level was. I remember the nurse leaving my room after I told her my pain was at a 6 or 7. My husband asked why I was crying, and I said that I was really at a 9, but didn't want to overstate my pain. I was ashamed of understating my pain, but more scared of overstating it and that the nurse might think me weak. Looking back, no one in their right mind would have thought me weak. After all, my organs were being ripped on every time I moved, my abdomen was full of scar tissue, my fallopian tube was on the verge of rupturing, and my pain level was so high the max amount of allowed mophine wouldn't even touch it. Even now, I try to laugh off the endo. I haven't told anyone besides my husband just how scared I am of what the future holds for me. As fast as the endo has progressed these past few months, I think it is looking to be a rather painful life for me.

After I get a BFP, I will be switching to low-carb and start modifing it towards the endo diet. I don't really want to limit my dairy/calcium while pregnant, so I will wait until after the baby is born to do that. I will probably start restricting red meat (boo!) and staying away from all foods that are high in sugar and fructose, and foods that are simple starches. The endo diet is really restrictive, but it will be totally worth it if it controls the endo and gets me close to pain free. Not having caffine won't really effect me much, since I will be staying away from that while pregnant anyway.

I will get into the endo diet later on, once I actually start doing it. I have been doing research on it and will continue to do so. I have read one book on it so far, and plan on buying another book in a few months. This is serious scary stuff, and if I can control it through nutrition instead of surgery every year, why wouldn't I? I would gladly give up all sweets, gluten, caffine, dairy, and red meat if it means I don't have to have surgery regularly to control the spread of the endo.

This has been a long post, but it was a good post. I needed to get some of this off of my chest, and I feel better now. I try to not dwell on this whole topic, but it still gets me down downsometimes. At least right now I have the TTC to obsese over, lol

TTC CD#14 update.

Thank goodness I tested with OPKs at midnight last night! This morning both the Wondfo and Clearblue digital tests were negative. I came so close to missing my LH surge. See, obsessive testing can be a good thing, lol

So, you know what that makes today, right? BD like the earth is gonna end! Hubby is drinking a couple cups of coffee 1 hour before, and we are using Pre-Seed, praying a lot, but besides that not much special (position modification, so sperm have to travel as little as possible, but you know, ewww!). The plan is to BD early in the morning (when sperm count is highest!), once in the afternoon, then again in the evening. After today, we will probably not even look at each other for a week or two, lol Also had a stroke of luck with timing. Sperm count is highest after 4 days of abstinence, then slowly goes down until the lowest point at 7 days abstinence. Since I O'd on the predicted day, we hit the nail on the head...so to speak.

I can't really say what I think of the Pre-Seed as of yet. I do think it is misleading that the box kinda makes it sound like it helps you get pregnant :/ That is totally not the case, it is just a lube that is sperm friendly. The reason we are using it is because I don't want to put raw egg white up there for the sperm to swim through... yes, some women actually do that, lol It doesn't have as high of a PH level as egg whites, but seriously, how nasty is that? I do find it amusing that the applicators remind me of what my parents used to worm goats during my childhood, lol My husband was incredibly grossed out when I mentioned this to him, lol As far as a lube goes, it is nothing special, but probably better than the usual cheap stuff you find in the drugstore. I did love that it came with some coupons though. I wouldn't have bought that digital test without the $10 coupon, and it was a serious mood booster to see that smiley face last night! (even it is was sort of creepy).

I am being good and still drinking my nasty green tea (I hope I get used to the taste, since it is good for endo I will probably be drinking it for a very long time). I had a huge bowl of watermelon this morning, and have tater tots in the oven cooking to have with lunch (*puke* I am so sick of potatoes and watermelon!!). I think I will continue with the boy diet through tomorrow, then ease back into low-carb.

I am officially in the TWW, and will do everything in my power to not test like a psycho!  After doing research on progesterone I feel more confident about not misreading symptoms. It is so sucky to have symptoms and feel pregnant, but it is just the corpus luteum (something I didn't know much about until I was in the hospital with the ectopic) jacking up your hormones! At least this month I know better and I will be ignoring any symptoms I have until at least 10 DPO (days past ovulation). I will try to hold off on using an HPT until AF is due, but I think we all know I will cave and test on day 9, 11, and 13. *sigh* I just have no self control when it comes to peeing on sticks, lol

So that's all for the TTC talk for today. I will post about diet and endo here in a while.

Positive OPK!!!!!!

Like the title says, I just got my positive OPK! The picture below shows the Wondfo strip on top and the creepy smiley face on the Clearblue digital test. I will test again in the morning to see if the surge has faded or is still showing up. Either way, tomorrow is BD day! AF is due the 31st, and tomorrow I will officially be in the TWW! Lots and lots of baby dust!!!

Cd#13 randomness

My hubby is busy on the computer, so I am attempting to blog on my phone :/ We'll see how it goes!

I can't tell you how long these 13 days have been! I am really dreading the TWW, yes still, lol. Tomorrow is the magical O day according to my Period Tracker app. I've been doing OPKs since CD#6, and the lines were darker today! Still not a positive, but pretty close, so I expect a positive tomorrow morning. We bought a box of Pre-Seed and there were coupons for the Clearblue digital ovulation test, so hubby dear is at Walmart buying one (hey, it was a freaking $10 coupon! How could I help myself? Lol) I will probably take another OPK and a digital one around midnight tonight. I am NOT going to miss the surge this month! I am also going to test in the morning, afternoon, and evening tomorrow.

Besides the darker OPK test, I am having other ovulation signs. I notice each month the O signs get worse. I have not seen the normal CM signs, and that seems to just be totally messed up these past couple months (hence why we paid out the rear for a box of Pre-Seed). I have been having O cramping, nasty lower back pain, and one killer headache most of today (aren't hormones lovely?) besides the tell-tale sign of my husband suddenly seeming more attractive, lol I am pretty confident that O is tomorrow or the day after, though I am betting on tomorrow based off the intensity of my -signs-.

We are still doing the boy diet, even though we are really hating it at this point. I have gained so much weight I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror, bleh... Both of us are super gassy with the nastiest smelling farts in existence, so tired we can barely make it through the day, and so hungry all the time despite eating a ton of food. I am going to back off on the diet a couple days after O, as is my husband. I will stop taking the Robitussin and some of the supplements the day after O. Hubby is going to keep taking most of his supplements, as we have suspected his testosterone levels were low anyway. I think he will back off on the gelatin some though, probably 1-2 packets per day instead of 3. I will probably go back to regular water. I have been enjoying the lemon water, but I think a gallon a day for two weeks is enough for awhile!

I think we are both excited to be half-way through the cycle. I know I am anxious to O and get through the TWW. Seems like my husband is so stressed out about other stuff that he doesn't think about TTC that much. When I bring it up he seems excited about it and anxious to find out if it was a success. I am so glad he is better about this stuff than he used to be. If only he could have been so supportive the first time! Oh well, better late than never as the saying goes.

A strange thing happened a few days ago. While talking to my mom on the phone, I casually slipped in that we were swaying for a boy. Instead of the *gasp!* "are you crazy?" that I was expecting I got an "oh really? What things are you trying?" lol I was really surprised, but turns out my mom and dad swayed for a boy and ended up conceiving my big brother! How awesome is that? Whether the swaying actually works or if God just takes pity on people who do it isn't clear, but either way it gives me hope! Once we do manage to get a BFP, I will be itching to find out if the swaying worked. It is sad considering how much we want a boy, but we have such an awesome girl name that it makes me a little sad to not get to use it! Good thing our boy name is awesome too ;) Well, I think it is awesome. My husband is still getting used to the name. Am I a dork for picking names from a fantasy novel? Maybe, but the names are so cool, who really cares?! And yes, no telling what the names are until we know the gender and are in third trimester.

Well, it is super late now. I have about 25 minutes left until I take those tests. I am soooo tired, I will have a hard time getting up to test on time in the morning.

Something random here, but I've been considering signing up for Facebook *shiver* I have avoided it for so long, but it is looking to be the easiest way to share photos with family and friends. I have decided to do it, but I am dragging my feet and trying to preserve what little Internet integrity I have left for as long as I can, lol

Swaying in the wind.

Well, cycle day 5 now, and we are swaying for a boy. I was doing research on TTC (trying to conceive) a baby boy, and discovered that there is a whole group of people trying to influence (thus the sway part) the gender of their baby. I never knew this was such a big thing; guess I was out of the loop.

Swaying uses a couple theories to give either the X or the Y sperm an advantage during conception. One theory has to do with the ph balance in both the mother's and father's bodies. Acidic environments favor girls, and alkaline favor boys. There is a whole diet for each of these, and there are other things to do to affect this. One that I'm not sure about is a douche, something I've never done and don't really want to start. This is kinda gross, but if trying for a boy you use a baking soda douche to make an alkaline environment for the Y swimmers, and a lime douche for the X swimmers. I'll drink the lemon water and gelatin, but I think I'm gonna pass on this one, lol

Another theory has to do with potassium. When a woman eats a diet high in potassium it forms chains in her CM (cervical mucus, again, gross and sorry for that!). What it does is sort of builds a track for the Y sperm and helps to guide them along more efficiently and quickly than the X ones. If trying for a girl you avoid eating potassium and focus on calcium instead.

Then there is the whole deal with testosterone. Higher levels of testosterone in both parents favors a boy. For this, my husband is taking ginseng and we are both drinking/eating 3 packets of plain gelatin a day (ewwwwww, but we are doing it anyway).

There is temperature to think of. A warm environment favors girls and a cool one favors boys. Supposedly more boys are conceived in winter time and girls in summer because of this. This also means that hubby dearest can't take hot showers or wear tight underwear if he wants a boy (or any babies at all if he does it to the extreme and kills them all). Supposedly using an ice pack in that area once a day will give the boy swimmers a better chance.

Lastly there is the theory of timing intercourse around ovulation. For a girl it is best to BD (forum terminology for the "baby dance") a day or two before ovulation, and for a boy you want to BD as close as possible to ovulation. The theory here is that boy sperm are faster than the girls, but weaker and don't live as long.

There are tons of different things a person can do to sway. This is what we are doing.

We are doing the boy diet, so we are going for foods rich in potassium that are alkaline and very low to zero calcium and magnesium. So we are eating red meat, potatoes, V8, watermelon, cantaloupe, bananas, and zucchini (may add more to this in time, but this is what we've got at the moment). We are both drinking around 9-15 glasses of lemon water per day. I thought this didn't make sense given how acidic lemon is, but I guess when it hits your stomach acid it actually turns super alkaline... who knew? I don't mind the lemon water, it is actually kind of refreshing and a nice change from plain water. We are both consuming 3 packets of Knox gelatin per day. This is the really hard part for me. I hate drinking the gelatin. Hot it is thick and nasty, cold it is kinda gritty and thick and a bit chewy. I am experimenting making jigglers using the gelatin and pineapple juice. I think my first batch turned out okay, but not exactly tasty (too much like gummies, but not enough flavor). I may start using kool-aid and stevia for flavoring, and see if I can get that to turn out edible. I would just make jello except aspartame really sways for a girl, and we aren't eating sugar. I don't think I could stand to eat three boxes of jello per day anyway, lol that's a lot of jello!

As far as supplements go, I dropped the calcium I was taking since that sways for a girl. I am taking my prenatal and the fish oil pill (part of the prenatal since I am using the one a day brand with DHA), vitamin E, potassium, and 2000 mg of folic acid. The reason for so much folic acid is because this diet is supposed to be very high in sodium, and sodium blocks some of the folic acid from being absorbed. Not having enough folic acid really ups the chance of miscarriage and birth defects, so it is a no brainer to take the recommended amount for the boy diet. Once I am 12 weeks pregnant, I will wean myself off until I am only taking the folic acid in my prenatals (800mg).  I am also drinking 3 cups of green tea per day. My husband is taking his men's multivitamin, vitamin E, folic acid, ginseng, biotin, and fish oil.

This is way out there, but I am also taking robitussin 2-3 times per day. This is TMI, but it thins out the mucus in your body, in your -entire- body. This helps with CM, making it more hospitable for the wimpy Y sperm. I do this from the last day of AF (aunt flo, even though I hate that term) until O (ovulation, obviously not the -other- O). This step seems really weird to me, but I'm doing it anyway.

There are a couple other things we are doing as well, but they are way too TMI, so I will just skip them ;)

I have an order of OPKs (ovulation prediction kits) and HPTs (home pregnancy tests) that should come today. OPKs are around $16 for 10 tests in the store, and $12 for 3 HPTs unless you buy from the dollar store (which is ALWAYS out, grrr). I ordered the Wondfo brand from Amazon. They are super cheap but supposed to be comparable to the First Response brand. They don't have a plastic holder on them, they are just the test strip (which is okay with me, as I care how they function, not how they look). I only paid $13 for 40 OPKs and 10 HPTs, woohoo! My plan is to use the OPKs starting tomorrow (CD6) and test twice per day until the LH surge is detected and O has happened. I don't want to start testing too late and miss O, and I am testing twice per day so I don't miss the LH surge (which is very easy to do if you only test once per day). I will have enough tests for two months, but I am hoping it only takes one! (I am already tired of being bloated and tired from the carbs, and we just started the boy diet!).

We are doing really well sticking to the diet and staying positive about the whole process. My husband seems interested and supportive, even if he does grumble a bit about some parts of it. I am feeling good that we are actively doing something about this.

I really want to hurry this up and not take very long to get pregnant (I know I can't control it, I just am hoping to influence it as best I can). The endo has been on my mind a lot. I have had four periods since my surgery in May, and each time I bleed longer and the pain gets worse. It scares me that I can feel myself getting worse. The first time there was no pain, the second time some light cramping, the third time medium cramping, and this last period the cramping was getting quite painful. This last period I also noticed I am getting pain in my left side of my abdomen, right were the endometriosis mass was which caused me so much trouble before. It is worrisome that it seems to be spreading so quickly. I feel quite a bit of anxiety about getting pregnant to stop the endo from getting worse for a while.

My husband expressed to me a few days ago that he doesn't think I should get a hysterectomy when we are done having children. He is scared that I will change. I explained to him that we aren't really going to have a choice. My moods have been so messed up since I started puberty, and they are at extremes during my menses. To control the endo, I will either have to hope my diet is enough to stall it, be on hormones to shut down my ovary (basically forcing me into menopause) or else get a hysterectomy and go into menopause. I kind of see it as all options leading to the same place; early menopause. I am not convinced that the changes with menopause would be so bad. At least my hormones could eventually level out and stop doing this roller coaster up and down every month. He has heard horror stories about how vile and mean women get during menopause, but I pointed out to him that we already go through that every month anyway. He had to agree that I was right, lol

Well, I am off to experiment making jigglers with kool-aid, wish me luck!

Big Fat Negative :(

Obviously I didn't post on Sunday. Sunday was a crazy day, plus my husband was on my computer all evening.

I did test on Sunday, and got a negative :( It is still really early though, so a negative doesn't mean much (besides showing how impatient I am!). I have been experiencing typical pregnancy symptoms, but not anywhere remotely close to regularly. Some days I seem to have all the symptoms, other days I only have one or two. My husband is sure that I am pregnant (and that it is a boy) but I am going crazy. On days when I have a ton of symptoms I am pretty sure I am pregnant, but when I have an "easy" day, I freak out and start worrying that I "was" pregnant and lost it. I think my husband is dismissing the psycho emotional worrying as a symptom of pregnancy (he could be right, though personally I feel like I am just going crazy, lol).

I have been trying very hard to focus on other things, and I am not doing well at it at all. I have made up a few batches of Almond Thins (crackers made with almond flour), and some cheese crackers that taste like cheez-its. I thought the cheese crackers sounded really good, but almost threw up after eating one, lol My husband loves the cheese crackers, and on a not-nauseous day, so do I. The Almond Thins are super good with some Boursin :) In fact we need to buy some more. I was surprised how good the artichoke and spinach flavor was, yum! It is so hard to find full-fat products. I originally wanted the herb flavor, but they only had it in low-fat. This anti-fat dogma is really frustrating for those of us who don't buy into it. It shouldn't be so hard to buy full-fat dairy products.

When ever I see skim milk, I think of my late grandpa. He always refused to drink skim milk, and I am paraphrasing here, but he always used to say something like "you can't fool me, I know you make pigs fat by feeding them skim milk and corn." He also refused to eat at McDonalds because he claimed they peed in the pickles, but that's an entirely different story!

Whether I get a positive or my next cycle, it will be a relief to not wonder anymore. I hate this whole yoyoing between feeling pregnant and not feeling pregnant. I think it is easier to not have any symptoms, then miss the next cycle and just poof, be pregnant. My first time I thought I was sick for a couple weeks, then when I missed my period I took a test and bam! preggers! With my second I thought I was imagining all the symptoms because I recognized them from before, but never expected to conceive the first month trying. The third baby, I sort of knew I was pregnant a couple weeks before my cycle was due. I think I am really questioning this month because last time was so painful because of losing the baby and having the trauma of the whole ordeal with the hospital and the surgery. I am hopeful and really scared at the same time. There really are days that I am 100% sure that I am pregnant, then other days it dips to about 50% sure. I won't lie, if my cycle comes I will be devastated and mad. It would really hurt to have my hopes gotten up for nothing, and it would be frustrating to be having all these discomforts and pains without getting anything good out of it.

It is hard to tell what my husband is thinking or feeling right now. He tends to hold in his feelings and thoughts, so it is hard to tell where he really is. He has expressed interest and desire to have another baby, but there are times he acts indifferent. I am sensitive to the whole issue right now, so that makes it tough. He has so much going on with work that we don't really get the time to talk. At least with our other babies, we had time to talk, even if he wasn't as mature or supportive back then. Hopefully here in a few months his workload will lighten, and we will get more time together. It would be nice to just be able to enjoy the (hopeful) pregnancy and our family with my husband more.

I had gained some weight previously, and I finally have that off now. I am losing pretty slowly, but that's okay. Since we are trying to get pregnant, I don't want to over do it with weight loss. I think a pound to a pound and a half each week is fine, even if it feels slow compared to what I am used to. I am still eating really close to 20 carbs per day, and I am trying to stay close to 2000 calories. If I don't watch it, I can easily eat as low as 1000 calories per day on low carb without even realizing it, so I have to be careful to stay close to 2000 (more for when I have to explain my diet to a dr, I don't really put much stock in the value of calories). I have read that women who low-carb while pregnant don't experience as much morning sickness compared to when they ate high-carb. I feel good about my choices, and I am hoping I don't have to fight with my doctor over it (probably what I am dreading the most as far as dr appointments go).

Here's hoping for a positive test any day now!

Finally, an update!

It has been over two months now since my surgery. I am doing much better with the grieving and think I have made peace. I have accepted that I lost part of my female organs, and it's okay, because I didn't lose all of them. I have accepted what happened with the baby, and am moving on.

Things have been really crazy in my house here this past month, and I can't seem to find the time to blog anymore. We are trying to get our house cleaned up in preparation for some much needed fixing. I have been going through boxes and throwing away and donating a ton of stuff. Even though I work on this for a few hours everyday, I don't feel like much progress is getting done. We are also doing summer school which eats up quite a bit time, and my husband has so much going on we barely get any family time at all. Blogging has just fell by the wayside.

I found out what caused my ectopic pregnancy at my post-op appointment. I have endometriosis. Basically that is when your uterine lining spreads and grows outside your uterus. I had no clue I had it, but looking back I did have most of the symptoms. There is no cure and this is just the kind of thing I have to learn to live with and try to suppress as much as possible. The only way to correct the endo is basically to have surgery and have the tissue removed from where it isn't supposed to be. I have read some women who have it so severe that they have to take hormones that basically put them in menopause and then still have to have removal surgery every year anyway. I have read that a low-carb diet is good for helping to manage it, which is good because that is what I do anyway. I have to be very careful about not letting any soy products in my diet or anything else that contains estrogen, as that makes the endo grow at a faster rate. Worst thing about this is that it is genetic, so most likely my girls will end up with it.

I said in my previous post, way back in June, that I've been thinking about having another baby. I am not so frantic about it now, because I am pretty much done with the grieving process. I do still want to have another baby however. My husband and I decided to go ahead and start trying, even though my weight it not where I want it to be. Pregnancy stops the endo from growing, and breast feeding can help to suppress it some. I am scared of the endo making me infertile, so I do feel a push to have a baby while I can still even get pregnant. It would be nice to have the endo put on hold while pregnant, just so it isn't a constant worry.

The issue with my weight being higher than planned is upsetting, but I think as long as I can control my weight while pregnant, I should be okay. I will have to talk to my OB/GYN about it more to see exactly what she wants me to do as far as weight. I have heard overweight women who have been told to maintain their pre-pregnancy weight, and others who are supposed to gain as close to 15 pounds as is possible.

I will continue doing low-carb the entire pregnancy to more accurately control my weight gain. I know some people are very much against low-carbing or "dieting" while pregnant, but low carb is not a diet, it is a lifestyle choice. When I refer to my diet, I am not talking about a crash diet that is short term, I am talking about the foods that I consume and my way of eating for life. If you say "low-carb" people freak out and treat you like you are beyond stupid for not following the food pyramid. Yet if you don't actually say the words low-carb, and tell someone that you are not eating sugar or highly refined grains, they are impressed with your healthy diet (I have seen this with regular people, AND medical professionals, as have many other low-carbers). People are so clueless about what is actually healthy to consume or what a low-carb diet even is.

My diet will be mostly meat and non-starchy vegetables with some full-fat dairy and occasional (lower sugar, so mostly berries) fruit. I don't plan on exercising like crazy, but I may start walking more or adding in some yoga modified for pregnant women. In previous pregnancies I have had so much trouble with my joints relaxing, that even walking was too painful to do more than was necessary. I hope this next time I don't experience the severe joint paint (I can always hope!).

As far as preparing to get pregnant, I have been doing quite a bit. I added a folic acid supplement to my regular multivitamin immediately after getting home from the hospital. When my husband and I decided to start trying for a baby, I stopped my vitamins and switched to a prenatal with additional calcium pill. I have been taking the prenatals for a little over a full cycle now, so when I do get pregnant my vitamins will already be in my system. I have been being very good with my diet. I haven't been eating any sugar at all and zero grains. I upped my water intake to about 12-15 glasses each day (it is noon as I am typing this, and I've already had 6 glasses of water). I am also only drinking no more than 2-3 cans of diet pop each week, and no coffee.

I am excited about trying for our third baby. I am scared about the delivery of course, as it will be my 4th major surgery on my abdomen. I am trying to focus on all the positives though, and just trust in God for whatever may happen on the operating table. I am also hoping that this doesn't take several months of trying. I have the endo to worry about, so I am hoping to get pregnant as soon as possible.

I am not sure what is going on with this cycle. I track the changes in my body to pinpoint ovulation as well as use ovulation prediction kits. My cycle is always spot on, 29 days total with ovulation happening on cycle day 16. Well last cycle was only 25 days, and this cycle has been wacky. I dismissed it at the time, but now I believe I actually ovulated on cycle day 7 or 8 instead of day 16. As far as I know, this has never happened to me before. I didn't start the ovulation tests until day 10, but it is day 18 right now with no signs of impending ovulation. I had signs of ovulation on my 7th and 8th days, but dismissed them because that is a full week earlier than I usually ovulate. Looking back now though, I am pretty certain that I did ovulate then. I will be doing my pregnancy test this Sunday morning if I think I am having symptoms, otherwise I will wait until my next cycle is supposed to start.

My husband and I have our baby names decided. We have a main name and a backup name for each gender, though we are really hoping for a boy this time around. I think God is probably tired of all the begging for a boy by now, lol

I will post again on Sunday if I get a positive test, if not then I will post once the new cycle starts.

3 Weeks into recovery.

I am now 3 weeks through my recovery period with 3 more left. I feel that I am doing good with the grieving process. I no longer seem to have outbursts of uncontrollable sadness and despair. I still get very sad and cry, but it is no longer totally uncontrollable (meaning I can contain my tears until there is no one to see and I can cry in peace). We have plans to make a plaque of sorts in memory of the baby and possibly name the baby as well. We haven't had time to sit and discuss this much, but I hope to do it soon.

I seem to think about having another baby quite a lot. I would say that I think about having a baby at least a handful of times every day. I think of all the things I'd like to make for my baby, and all the sweet smiles and baby laughter. I am getting fairly depressed that I am not losing weight like I had wanted to. The longer it takes me to lose the weight, the longer it will be until I can try for another baby. I eat really well for several days, then collapse emotionally and end up eating junk that I shouldn't. I seem to be stuck in a yo-yo-ing pattern that is driving me crazy.

The recovery has been really slow physically. I have been having a worrisome pain in my right side (my left ovary was removed) and I have been worrying about ovarian cysts and random other problems. I have only started to feel better in the past couple days, and I am more than a little bit worried that recovering from a laproscopic surgery is taking longer than a full blown c-section did. I decided not to go to the clinic since I started feeling better, but I will be sure to mention my concerns with the OB/GYN when I have my post-op appointment on the 11th. I am hoping it all turns out to be normal, but I have this bad feeling that my one surviving ovary is having issues.

It is very late as I am writing this. Everyone else in the house is asleep and it is quiet and peaceful. I am pretty tired, but I have really enjoyed some time to myself. There are times when a person just gets tired of being around small children all day and needs a break. I will be staying up for another 20 minutes or so. I have been sick or recovering for quite a while now and tomorrow I plan on getting started back with school. We have book work all done for the year, but there is some reading that I would like to do with the kids and pick up some extra science over the summer. I am enjoying the alone time tonight because I know I won't get anymore for a couple days.

That's all for now. I hope to get my weight back on track tomorrow, so maybe I'll have something positive to report in the next few days.

Greiving for my third baby.

I had an unplanned pregnancy that ended just two weeks ago. It was an ectopic pregnancy that ended after two and a half weeks of bleeding and more pain than I would care to ever experience again. I had surgery two weeks ago today (I was 7 weeks pregnant at the time). Besides losing the baby I had grown to love, I also lost my left fallopian tube and ovary. The problem was caused by scar tissue from my two previous cesarean deliveries which had fused several of my organs together. My fallopian tube and ovary were fused together in a tangled mess, so the baby never had a chance to make its way into my uterus where it could be nurtured and grown the way God intended.

I know miscarriage is pretty common, and several women experience ectopic pregnancies, but I never fully realized how heart breaking it was until it happened to me. My brain understood what was going on, but my heart has had a hard time with it. The physical pain was the worst I have ever experienced, but it has been nothing next to the emotional pain of losing a baby. The only consolation there has been for me during this time is the belief that a baby is a baby with a soul at conception, and that children belong to God. I believe my very tiny baby has went to be with God and someday I will get to meet the baby that I love so dearly and miss so much. I can't even imagine how I would make it through this if I didn't have Jesus to lean on and pray to.

I should be able to have another baby after I am healed, but that doesn't fill the void left inside of me. It will take time to heal from this, and I know that a part of my heart will always ache for the tiny baby that I lost. I didn't know how much I wanted a third child until I found out I was pregnant. I will try for another baby after I have my weight down to an acceptable amount. Right now I am healing physically and emotionally. I am trying to lose weight by eliminating as many simple carbs as I can from my diet, and I am focusing more on the two children that I do have. I am trying to spend more quality time with my kids apart from the normal daily grind and school based activities. There have been more hugs and kisses in our house of late as well. My whole family is hurting from our recent loss, and we are all working on healing.

I hope to post again in about a week. I have so much updating to do on my knitting blog that I don't even know where to begin, but I need to get that done. Hopefully I will get at least one post done over there by the end of today, it all depends on how strong I feel.

P90X day #2

Just a quick update about the P90X workouts so far. Yesterday was "Chest and Back" and we only did half of the workout plus "Ab Ripper X" afterwards. I was completely worn out from just half the workout, but wasn't all that sore. This morning my muscles were very sore, and they still are. I can feel the pain in my back muscles some, but my chest and shoulders are very sore.

"Plyometrics" (jump training) was this morning and we only managed half a workout again. My legs are sore today, so tomorrow I may not be able to drag myself up the stairs! I am really hoping that I adjust soon and get stronger quickly. This "feeling the burn" is kinda sucky. It will be really nice to be stronger so the workouts are challenging but not totally butt-kicking. I look forward to not feeling so weak.

I have gained some weight since stopping the HCG Protocol. I was 198 lbs when I stopped that and went up to 201.6 lbs after I stopped. I should not have weighed myself after starting P90X before my rest day, but I did anyway. I have gained another pound since starting P90X, so today I was at 202.4 lbs. I have noticed that working out has made me ravenously hungry and very tired, so I really don't expect to lose any weight for a few weeks.

That's all for now. I need to do my nails tonight so I don't end up destroying them during tomorrow's workout.

P90X day #0

Today is officially day 0 of P90X. Sundays are our rest and weigh-in days. The first Sunday of each month is also our picture and measurements day. I am glad to have the "before" pictures done and over with. These had better be the last "before" pictures that I ever take. The idea with doing the P90X is that it will just be part of our new healthier lifestyle, so I am hoping for only taking "after" pictures from here on out.

I am a little worried about doing the intense workout tomorrow morning, but I am really pumped up for it as well. I don't like sweating and being sore, but I know a lot of that is because I don't feel very strong. As time goes on working out should get more enjoyable (though never easy). I am fully prepared for the first week to be very hard. I have no delusions of making it through the workouts, and will be very pleased with myself if I manage to make it through half of the workouts during the first week. I did decide to buy 8lb weights instead of the 5lb, so I am not quite as weak as I thought I was (not that I am pretending using 8lb weights isn't pathetic, lol).

The basement still isn't quite ready for tomorrow morning (and I have been super stressed out about it too). Thankfully the room is nearly done. All the boxes and smaller stuff has been moved, so now just the bigger things need moved. We will need to put down the interlocking floor mat tonight and get the weights and bands set out. We need to take a door off the hinge so we can install the pull-up bar for my husband, but after that we will be all ready for tomorrow morning. If I survive the workout tomorrow, I'll post how it went!

Diet change!

I am no longer doing the hHCG diet. Almost immediately after my last post I got to talk to my husband about his exercising goals, and we decided to start exercising together the 2nd of April. Since that didn't give me much time to prepare I stopped taking the hHCG pellets and switched to Atkins Induction.

Today is my second day of low-carbing it, and I feel a sense of relief. I don't want to make it sound like the HCG diet is bad, because it really is a lot better than I was expecting it to be, but my mood was suffering pretty badly towards the end. I already feel a tiny bit better emotionally, but that is most likely due to the planning part and not the actual dietary part. I did the HCG Protocol for 30 days, and when I can get my husband into taking my "after" photo, I will post my totals.

The exercise part of our lifestyle change is scary, intimidating, and just flat daunting. There is only one workout my husband is interested in doing, and that is P90X. P90X is a Beach Body workout series by Tony Horton, and if you've ever stayed up late watching tv during the dreaded infomercial hours you probably know what it is. If you go to bed at a decent time though, and are clueless what P90X is, I'll explain a touch. P90X stands for Power 90 Extreme. The Power 90 series was a pretty intense workout (I've never actually done it) and this is the extreme version that is supposed to completely transform your body in 90 days. The workouts are about 60 minutes each with an additional 15 minute ab routine every other day. The workouts are intense and pretty difficult, and use muscle confusion to keep you from plateauing. I have done this workout before, but only for a couple weeks. There were other things that got in the way and I just wasn't able to find the time to workout. My husband has done the workout previously as well, and you really do start seeing results very quickly (he had a noticeable size increase and toning on his biceps in only one week).

This time we made a schedule with Google Calendar and made time every morning for the workout. I am not a morning person at all, and am not really looking forward to getting up so early. On days were my husband works early, we will be getting up just after 4 am so he has time to get ready for work and eat breakfast after the workout. Yes, I will be getting up at 4 in the morning, and I am dreading it. This is going to be such a hard change to make, but I think the pay off will be worth it. I have been impressed with Google Calendar (never really used it before). My husband and I both have separate calendars, but we share them. I can see and make changes to his calendar (handy, since he doesn't really have time for doing this kind of thing) and can even print them off (this is awesome for school purposes as it makes it easily available and there is room for jotting down quick notes). We can both have access to the calendars on our phones and have alerts and reminders set up. I only wish the color coding showed up on the phone app, seeing as how I went to the trouble to color code everything, lol

The plan is for working out to be a "forever" lifestyle change, and not just a short term thing. Previously we have worked out in our living room space, but I am not going to put up with putting away my husband's weights for the next several years. Our solution is to make a dedicated space for working out in our basement. There is some work involved in this, but it should be pretty cheap to do (hopefully we will only need to buy some mats for the floor). There is some rearranging and sorting to do mostly. We have an old tube tv down there, and there should be enough room to set up a pull-up bar and have the weights out and ready to use. This has been unusable space for us so far, since the basement isn't finished and the stairs aren't very kid friendly. It will be nice to finally have a use for the space before it gets finished (some day we really are going to finish it, though it isn't that high on the priority list at the moment). I am excited about getting the space ready for working out.

In other news, the pencil sharpener comes today! Hooray! lol Probably not a big deal for most people, but as a homeschooling mom who has been manually sharpening pencils for the past 5 days, it is a huge deal, lol I recently gave my box of approximately 100 colored pencils to my children, and while sharpening them my old sharpener quit. This also happened to be shortly after buying a bunch of new coloring books from the dollar store...right before the weekend. I am so tired of manually sharpening pencils and I was actually starting to get a blister! (see, this is beauty related ;p). Anyway, the new sharpener is an X-ACTO ProX commercial grade sharpener, and it had better not poo out on me in the middle of sharpening 100 colored pencils! It was a bit of an investment ( $55) so I expect it to last forever during heavy school use.

Week #4 summary

Okay, so the update is a few days late. I have been pretty upset about my weight loss lately as it has been slow and I gained a pound this morning :( But here I am, finally getting to it ;)

Day #19                                                                     Day #26
     Weight...................202.0 lbs                                      Weight...................198.4 lbs
     Waist.......................36.8 inches                                 Waist.......................36.0 inches
     Hips........................43.0 inches                                  Hips........................43.0 inches
     Body fat %.............27.6 %                                         Body fat %.............27.6 %

Again my losses were pretty good this past week. 3.6 lbs lost is .6 more than I lost the week before. I also lost just over 3/4 inch off my waist. I am curious as to why I haven't lost anything off my hips for two weeks in a row now...hopefully that trend doesn't continue much longer. Over all, last week was a productive weight loss week.

I am currently on VLCD#28 and I am really starting to struggle with the diet. I am having a lot of head hunger and some rather strong carb cravings. I don't know what is going on, but it is frustrating. I shouldn't be craving carbs at all, but our last grocery shopping trip was pure torture! (I didn't cave, thankfully). I have stopped eating the fruit and am only allowing tomatoes as my fruit, and I try to keep that at only one serving each day. Hopefully here in another day or two the carb cravings will stop or at least lessen.

I am becoming pretty tired of the diet as well. I am starting to feel like I've been doing this for much longer than I have. I am not really getting bored of the food or having any real issues, it just seems like I am not quite where I should be emotionally. Either I am getting really close to my time of the month, I am deprived of dietary fat, or I am just plain going crazy. I know in my head that I am doing very well and losing fat and inches really fast, yet I feel like I am not making enough progress. I have made so much progress and I know that I should feel pleased, yet I am confused as to why I don't feel good about my progress. I am thinking this may have something to do with decreasing my fat intake and the effect that has had on my mood. I have 11 whole days left, but I am thinking I may need to stop before then and switch to Atkins just for my mood's sake.

Exercise has been entering my mind a lot lately. I am not supposed to exercise on this diet, and I don't believe exercise leads to weight loss anyway. I wouldn't even be considering exercising or thinking about it at all if it wasn't for my husband. He is wanting to start working out again. The problem with that is that I would like to do the same workout, but I don't want to start it months after he has. It would be much easier for me to start it the same time he does and just do the workouts alongside him. It would be good to tone up some, but I am still on the fence about whether to start now or later. If I don't start when my husband does, then there is a pretty good chance I won't do it at all. I don't really feel ready to start working out quite yet, but I don't really want to ask him to wait since it seems to be pretty important to him. I want to make a decision on it pretty soon, as I will need to have switched to Atkins for a while before I could start working out.

That's all for now. I am really hoping to have lost my pound gain tomorrow. I have really been loading up on liquids today, so hopefully that helps some.

VLCD#24

I had a .8 pound loss today, so I am exactly at 199 lbs. I am doing really well losing weight, but I don't emotionally feel it right now. Encouragement hasn't exactly been abundant, and I've been struggling with keeping positive. I know in my head that I am doing good, but for some reason I don't feel like it is good enough.

I thought going shopping for new pants would make me feel better, but it didn't. Instead of being a rewarding experience it was frustrating and discouraging. We went to Target, and I have to say, I hate Target's pants. The jeans that are supposed to sit just below the waist, were a good 3 inches below my belly button. Either Target has no clue where a woman's waist is, or they make their clothes for people with extremely short torsos. Besides the issue of their pants just not working, they have very unflattering mirrors in the changing rooms. Like most women, I feel I look worse than I actually do. Target's mirrors made me look worse than I feel I look. I can't see myself trying on clothes there again anytime soon. After the not so good experience at Target, we went to Walmart (shudder) and I bought the only pair of size 12 long jeans they had. Why are they nearly always out of my size, no matter what size I am?

I am looking forward to switching over to Atkins in a couple more weeks. I don't mind this diet as much as I thought I would, but my mood has suffered. I can't wait to get back on a high fat diet and have a sunnier disposition. I can't say that I'll miss these vegetables and extra lean meats at all. I am looking forward to having a stir-fry, stuffed pork, and hamburgers again.

Anyway, that's all for tonight. Hopefully tomorrow is a good day :)

Blog updates.

As you can see, I've made a few aesthetic changes to my blog. I changed the background to something bright and fun, and I change some font and font colors. I like the new look, and it subtly reflects my fondness of Japanese culture.

I also added a weight ticker and badge to the bottom of my blog. I will still do updates about my weight loss, but thought they were a fun extra. It is nice seeing how far I have come and how much weight I have to lose until my goal.

That's all :)

Examples of my HCG meals.

I have posted a fair bit about about my progress through the 40 day HCG Protocol, but I haven't talked about the food much. Why not do that on a lazy Sunday afternoon?

I only eat 500 calories per day, split between two meals and two snacks, but even so, the meals don't have to suck. I have found a few recipes online (there are sooooo many available for free) and I have created some myself. For Example today I am having crab and tomatoes for lunch and chili for supper.

 This is my lunch. I used half a package of precooked imitation crab (that's 1.5 servings), and 5 oz of quartered golden snacking tomatoes. I threw them in a nonstick skillet on medium heat, added a splash of lemon juice and a Tbsp of soy sauce. For spices I used black pepper and a small sprinkling of poultry seasoning. I cooked it until everything was hot and the tomatoes had softened. It was very good and quite filling. I don't really get hungry on this diet, but the meal made me feel "full." I like that it was super easy, fast, and pretty cheap too. Total calories for the meal - 190.

 This is the HCG Chili that I am going to have for supper tonight. I found this recipe on Netritions forum site Low Carb Friends. They have a lot of good recipes, but chili is one of my comfort foods that I have missed a lot while low-carbing. I knew it was okay to use black soy beans, but I avoid soy products as much as I can, and the thought of beanless chili just didn't seem right. This recipe contains no beans, but I decided to try it anyway and I am glad that I did.

The original recipe:

7 oz tomatoes, chopped 

100g ground beef - 96%

1T + 1t Chili powder     

1t paprika                      

1/2t cumin                     

1t onion powder            

2t chopped garlic          

salt, pepper, and cayenne to taste

Brown beef in fry pan with 1t chili powder, then add all ingredients in a saucepan and cook covered on low heat until done, adding water when needed and to get desired consistency.

I made a few changes for this batch (I quadrupled the recipe to get 4 meals worth out of it instead of just 1). I used onions instead of onion powder (using the onion as my veggie and the tomato as my fruit) helping to bulk it up some. I also opted to use Frank's Red Hot sauce instead of cayenne powder. I am letting it simmer on low for a few hours before I divide it into four equal portions and put it away in the fridge. It smells really yummy already, so I am looking forward to having chili for supper tonight! Total calories per serving for how I made it - 213 calories. After both meals I will have 97 calories left for the day which will allow me a strawberry sorbet and some creamer in my coffee. That isn't too bad for the day :)

 These are a couple items I wouldn't be able to live without. Franks is a very nice tasting hot sauce that goes great on just about everything. Kikkoman's soy sauce is my favorite and I often use it when pan frying vegetables and meats. This is a great way to make "riced" cabbage taste really good.

 The Keurig is something else that has made dieting so much nicer. There are so many great choices of coffees, teas and hot cocoas for this thing. I can't hardly stand to drink brewed Folgers after using the Keurig, and my husband has became a complete coffee snob (he complains that coffee shop's coffee tastes bad compared to what we make at home). I love to make iced coffee with this. I fill a glass with ice and brew the coffee right over the top, add some sweetener and creamer and you have a really yummy iced coffee in hardly any time at all.

 

This is just something that we recently discovered at our local Sam's Club. It is basically just flavored sparkling water, but it tastes really good (even my picky husband likes it). It does not have any phosphoric acid or aspartame in it, and they are only 55 cents a bottle. I am not really supposed to have stuff like this on the diet, but I am allowing it as a once a day treat since it is 0 calories and does not contain the harsh chemicals that diet sodas have.

No picture here, but there has been something else that has been an invaluable resource to me during this diet; the MyFitnessPal app. It is really easy to use and has a huge food bank in it. I was even using it while shopping at Sam's Club. If there was a food that I couldn't find nutrition info for, I could just scan the bar code and voila! It is so easy to track foods eaten, calories consumed, and weight lost. The only thing I don't love about the app is that you can only set daily calorie goals. I will keep using this once I switch over to Atkins, but it would be really nice to be able to put the focus on carbohydrates instead of calories. I can go into the daily summary to see how many carbs I've eaten, but it would be really nice to be able to switch the focus to carbs so that info was on the diary page as well. I could use the Atkins app, but the food database is tiny and everything else has to be entered manually, plus it has some issues with bugs and not working right all the time. Another feature I like is that you can have friends on the myfitnesspal app. My husband can see certain news feeds like how much weight I've lost, and if I've completed my food diary for the day. It is really handy to keep an eye on if my husband is bothering to weigh himself, and we can send encouraging notes to each other within the app. Did I mention that it is free?

There is one other piece of big dieting news today. I weighed 199.8 lbs this morning! I am finally under 200 lbs! I am so happy to finally get out of the nasty 200's. I am going to go buy a new pair of jeans tonight as a reward. I am so excited to have reached this goal! I am only on the 3rd day of week #4, and I've already lost 2.2 lbs this week. I plan on drinking tons of water today to make sure tomorrow is a good day for the scale as well. I am so much more encouraged and positive about my weight loss than I was just a couple days ago. Since my highest load weight I have lost 20.2 lbs (in just over 3 weeks!). I can't wait to see what I weigh in another couple weeks!

Weight update.

I am not sure what day of the diet this is, and I don't feel like looking it up right now. It is late and I am headed to bed. I just wanted to leave a quick update that while I didn't lose weight yesterday, I was down 1.2 lbs today. I am so close to being out of the 200's that I don't want to risk a stall at all. I only have .8 lbs to lose until I am there and I can't hardly wait. It sure does feel good to be a "loser." :)

Week #3 summary.

Week #3 is officially over. Here are my stats.


Day #14                                                                     Day #19
     Weight...................205.0 lbs                                      Weight...................202.0 lbs
     Waist.......................37.5 inches                                 Waist.......................36.8 inches
     Hips........................43.0 inches                                  Hips........................43.0 inches
     Body fat %.............29.0 %                                         Body fat %.............27.6 %


Week #3 wasn't so bad for progress. I only lost 3 pounds, but I lost (very nearly) 3/4 of an inch off my waist and 1.4% body fat. My total weight loss so far is 13 lbs, and 5 1/4 inches off my waist. That is pretty decent progress for 3 weeks time, especially considering this weeks cheat. I should get below 200 lbs next week, and I am very excited for that. I am getting tired of being in between jean sizes, so am really looking forward to losing a little more. Seriously, it has been annoying having my size 14 jeans wiggle down and the size 12 being just too tight that they cause a noticeable roll of belly jiggle around my waist.

I am getting pretty tired of the food choices, which is making meals more unpleasant than they should be. I am getting to the point of hating vegetables and loathing that I must force myself to eat them. This evening I made my cabbage tolerable by dousing it in soy sauce as it cooked, which isn't exactly protocol, but I couldn't have eaten it plain. I have no idea what I am going to do for veggies during week #4. Everything sounds gross (everything that I am allowed anyways).

That's all for today :)